On Growing Up and Moving On

You'd have to be a complete moron not to notice that the last few posts I've had on here have consisted of ridiculous song lyrics, most of which recounted some form of being treated like shit, and moving on. I'd like to say that I've been acting in accordance with the songs, but it really wasn't until today that I've been 100% behind the message they all give: Fuck with me, and it's game over for you.

I also wish I could say that it was only one area of my life that the songs apply to. However, as pathetic as it sounds, it's not. It's multiple arena's. It seems as though I generally pick shit people to befriend and love. I'm not entirely sure why I do that, but I would like to think it's not necessarily a personal fault, per say. I think my problem is that I am too trusting. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and usually think people deserve more than one chance. As it turns out, I probably should have heeded the warning signs. They were there. A true friend wouldn't need more than once shot to prove their merit. I know that now, and I won't make the same mistake again.

I a truly tired of being treated like the bad guy, when all I've been trying to do is make everyone happy. It's really frustrating when you put yourself on the line, heart and soul, and get the big R; rejected.

It's made more frustrating by the fact that back home I know I've got this amazing support base. I have the best family, and the best friends, and they'd do anything for me. They'd never let me get treated this way, walked over this way, abused this way. My sister would crack some skulls, trust me. She told one guy he had a vagina bigger than Rosie O'Donnell, okay? That's a damn big vagina. That's a damn good sister.

But I digress.

As shit as my life can be sometimes, in terms of how people treat me, there is always a silver lining. I've got some promising things on the horizon already. :)

School has been alright lately. It hasn't been anything to write home about. I'm making it through all right. Next week is my last week with my year 11s, then they are off for their exams. That will mean two less classes for me, which is going to be heavenly. I will be able to get a lot more done at school, which means my social life will pick up considerably (or at least be able to. I need to make more non-teaching friends for it to really pick up).

I'd write more, there is a ton to tell, but I really am in no mood for it.

Ta.

On Being Done With It, Once And For All

Well, now I offically know that the tree has fallen down, and frankly I am a bit relieved. The climb was mentally and physically exhausting me. I deserve way better than to be jerked around.

--------------------------------------------


All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

On Telling Me Why

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?

I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know

On Bringing Down the Tree

I know that lately I haven't been posting much in the way of an actual blog. For that I apologize. It's just that I've been so busy these past few weeks, I can hardly keep my head on straight. I've been bombarded left and right with one situation to grapple with after another. I honestly feel physically exhausted, and it's only been a few weeks since the break. Someone, somewhere, is getting a great laugh out of this. They have to be. I'm going to be disappointed if SOMEONE is not at least entertained by the mishaps that I seem to stumble into, at every turn.

The worst thing is, I feel as if I am passively being subjected to this shit. It's not as if I am asking of all this drama to just fall on me. In fact, if you know me at all, you'll know that I am very much anti-drama. I tend to avoid it like the plague. I will often take the path of least resistance, in order avoid said drama, even if that path goes down a dark alley. I'd rather stake my way alone than have to wander into a snake nest.

Lately, however, ever decision that I make seems to be ending badly. I keep putting myself out on a limb, only to find that the limb breaks under the strain. The worst thing is, instead of falling to the ground, and taking that hard hit and broken bones (or ego, or heart, or whatever else is breakable in a woman), I grasp frantically at another branch, and keep trying to climb.

I think perhaps that is a sign of my character. I don't like to give up. It's not in my nature to quit anything without giving it my all. I am going to climb to the top of this damn tree, even if it means that once I get to the top the whole damn things falls down. At least at that point I will know that the tree is officially on the ground. It is incapable of being climbed, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. It just wasn't strong enough for me. In the end, I'd rather have that one HUGE fall, with total failure at the end. At least that way I'll know I've exhausted every available option, and only THEN has it all come crashing down.

It wasn't meant to be, if that's how it ends up.

This metaphor could be applied to a lot of things right now, so don't try to guess which one specifically it is. My life, my friendships, my love life, my job....pretty much everything could be explained using this metaphor.

Leave it to an English teacher to find a way to sum her entire life up in one succinct metaphor. If only my students could read this now.

I think they'd be proud.

Ta.

On Being Let Down

You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought i could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

What is the problem
Are you taking me seriously
Is it a joke to you
Or maybe I'm a fool

Why am I trying
So hard to be the girl that you need
How is this fair to me
When you break through

This is to much
Don't call it love
You are the reason its so hard to trust
Boy this ain't what i wanted
And now its got to stop

You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

No more tears
Why did I let you have so much control
I gave my arm to you
And you pushed me away

Why are you here oh
Don't you see I'm letting you go
The damage is done baby
I have nothing to say

Its gone to far
Don't know who you are
I think its better that we are apart

Babe I know where I am
And I know where your not

You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

You let me down, thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when i hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down (ooooh)

Would you like it if
I did the same thing to
You and I lasted
Walking years on ma shoes

Boy theres no excuse
Cause of what you did theres no me and you

Would you like it if
I did the same thing
You wouldnt of liked
Walking in time

Boy theres no excuse
Thats who you are and im so over you

You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down

You let me down,thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when I hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down

Down
Down
Stop bringing me, stop bringing me
Down down
Oooh

On What Goes Around (Comes Back Around)

Hey boy, is she everything you wanted in a woman
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand

So why your love went away
I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way

Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now boy, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it’s all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don’t want to think about it (no)
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
But that’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And she never comes home
And every time you call her
All you get’s a busy tone
I heard you found out
That she’s doing to you
What you did to me
Ain’t that the way it goes

You cheated, boy
My heart bleeds, boy
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Boy you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But boy I ain’t somebody with a lot of sympathy
You’ll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

See?
You should’ve listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)

On Making a Change

So last night some shit went down, and I've woken up this morning and realized that what has happened in the past little while is not me...and yet I let this stuff happen, for some bizarre reason. It's not something I'd have ever let happen in the past. I'm usually such a strong person, but lately I've been letting people get the best of me. Really selfish people have been taking advantage of me, and I've been letting them, because I thought maybe things would change. Things are not going to change, and I know that now. I know that the next little while might suck a bit for me, but whatever. I'm just going to move along, and let these people fall by the wayside. They have no place in my life anymore.

Life is not going to break me.