On Leaving

So I'm in England now.... the flight was about as I expected it would be, long and boring. I got the seat in front of the fire escape in the middle of the plane, which meant I couldn't recline my chair. As a result, I couldn't get comfortable at all, and thus could not fall asleep. I nodded off a few times, but the majority of my time I spent feeling my energy levels drop while I struggled to get comfortable. Nothing worked though. I was doomed to be miserable from the start. As more and more time passed on the plane, and I felt myself getting further and further from home, it became increasingly hard for me to hold in my tears. I broke into sobbing fits every hour or so, as I thought about those I was leaving behind and the lack of people waiting for me upon arrival. I started to seriously doubt my decision, pondering the "rightness" of my choice. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I'm not sure...all I DO know is that I increasingly wish I were not here. As I sit here now, it's 6:20pm England time (2:11pm Ontario time), I'm deathly tired, but I can't sleep because I am afraid to. I know that sounds scary, and in fact makes very little sense. But I am afraid to sleep, because I don't know where I am. I know I am going to wake up cold and alone, and at first I won't know where I am. I can already feel that feeling of panic rising up in my throat, and it brings tears to my eyes. I am so deathly afraid of climbing into that bed alone...I desperately wish I had someone to share it with me...

I am just so scared....I know everyone expects me to be brave about this, and to enjoy the experience. However, I'm just having a really hard time doing that. I know a lot of people would trade positions with me, and I wish they would. I wish I could back out now, and come home...but I can't. I have to push through this panic, and try to accept it. I am hoping that once I get settled and make some friends, perhaps it won't be so bad. Have your fingers crossed for me as well...

But enough of that. I went for a walk today, trying to check out cell phones in the area. I was told by the front desk to go to Tesco, so I walked over. I took a picture of it, and it really reminded me of the Wallmart Superstore...cept this thing doesn't seem as effed, morally. Then again, what do I know? I went in, but they didn't have any smartphones, so I said eff that.Then I came back to the hotel, and had them call me a cab, which I took to this really cute outdoor shopping carosel, to look at the company's own displays and stores. Only one store offered the Curve on a plan I cod get (12 month!). The cab rides were interesting, because it gave me first hand knowledge of how CRAZY the people around here drive...FAST AS HELL AND VERY RECKLESSLY! It's seriously creepy bad. They wipp around corners, and don't slow down for anyone. At one point I thought perhaps there were no speed limits, because everyong is going at different paces.Well....I am nearly falling asleep on the keyboard...so I will end now, and perhaps finish this tomorrow. I may be absent on the internet for the next few days, depending on if the Bed and Breakfast has internet in every room. Fingers are crossed though.

Cheers