On Being Two People

So Trevor and Matty have left today, after what was a pretty great week (in my opinion), especially considering the fact that Trevor was sick the majority of the trip. It was really hard for me to say goodbye, and I must admit that I forced them to leave because I knew that if we prolonged it any more I was going to become an embarrassingly weepy mess. It took every fibre of my being not to erupt into uncontrollable sobbing (although, that didn't work the previous day, when I made the boys miss their original flight, and burst into a steady stream of intense weeping in front of the Air Canada desk). I couldn't even look back when I was walking away, because I knew I'd just do something stupid like run back and blubber like an insane person. I had to tell my feet to take every step, because I couldn't bear the thought of standing there and watching them wait in line to go through security. I just kept walking, crying in the terminal, and likely looking like a complete weirdo.

I also shed a few tears in the coach bus back home. It wasn't just crying over their being gone (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it), it had a lot to do with the feeling of sheer loneliness that overwhelmed me. It hit me even harder when I arrived in St Ives and was making the walk back to my house. Throughout the week, the boys and I had made that journey a number of times, and it was really nice to have them to walk and talk with. We sang songs, told jokes and poked fun at each other most of the time. I had a hand to hold, and two awesome men to just be myself with. Walking home alone, I realized that it's little things like that that really mean so much to me. Walking home I suddenly understood what it is about being in England that truly upsets me more than anything; Loneliness.

Isolation and loneliness.

I started to wonder, as I was walking home, who my true friends were. Trevor and Matty, they are true friends (and in one case, something a little more). They came to England to see me, for Christs sake. I'm going to be forever grateful that they did, and it really shows me a lot about what kind of people they are, and what they mean to me. I have a bunch of other true friends back in Canada too; Sheena, Ethan, Holly, Rachelle, Andrea, Christine, Steph, Meaghan, Kayla, Nick... these are people I could call up in a bind, and they'd be there for me 100%. I honestly don't think there is a single person I would be comfortable enough to call here in England. If I were to break a bone walking home, I would seriously have to consider what to do. I certainly wouldn't call my room mates, because I don't think they give a rats ass about me. I wouldn't call the people that I work with, because I think that to them all I am is a co-worker...I'd like to consider some of them my friends, but I'm not really sure where I stand with the; it's really hard to gauge here. People aren't as friendly as back home.

I honestly don't feel like I have any friends here that I can be myself with. I am two people in England; I am Miss Krista Carson, the teacher, and I am Krista Carson the girl. Miss Carson puts on a front all day at work, trying to be happy and cheerful about teaching and about life, while the real Krista Carson just wants to give up and go back to the place that makes her happy; Canada. The girl in me, the real Krista Carson, rarely gets to come out though. I rarely get to be comfortable in my own skin, and when I am, I am almost always alone. I spend more time at work than I do in my own life, and it is starting to really bother me. The worst thing is, it would be alright if the time I spent in my life wasn't spent alone. Walking home this afternoon made me realize that what I crave more than anything in the world is to be social; specifically, to be social with the people that I love. All of the people I've mentioned so far I love. My parents are also included, obviously. I miss them a lot too. I miss being in my house. I think that's partially why Christmas was so special for me; I got to be in my house, the one place in the entire world where I can be myself. It's also the one place where I will never, ever, be truly alone. I could pick up my cell phone and someone would be willing to hang out with me in a heartbeat. Or, failing that, I could find Gabriel and snuggle with him, or take Lex for a walk. Just being in Tillsonburg itself is something great for me. It's my home, and I miss it terribly.

A lot of people who are 'stuck' in Tillsonburg now, they don't really realize how great they have it. It's so easy to dislike it, when you haven't really had to go without. Sure, it's not a big city, and it doesn't have a wide selection of things to do. But in all honesty, what else would you WANT to do? I enjoy nothing more than sitting on my back patio, on a warm summers night, sipping drinks and just making small talk with my friends. That is truly my idea of a great night. It's nights like that that made my summer so amazing, last year. It's nights like that that made my trip home at Christmas so amazing. Being with the people who I am truly comfortable with, who I am at home with, is all that I want from life. Apparently I am a simple being.

That's why being here is increasingly starting to break me down. As much as I loved having Trevor and Matt come visit, a part of me wishes they hadn't come at all, because their absence is only increasing my own awareness of how miserable I am. I am profoundly sad right now. Sad and alone, and wishing I was on that plane right now, headed towards the open arms of everyone I love. I was making dinner tonight, in complete silence, and I started to cry doing even just that, because it was such a stark contrast to the atmosphere that had existed all this week with Trevor and Matty around. The silence literally weighed on me, and I collapsed under its pressure.

It helps slightly to know I will be coming home in five weeks, but again that's just a temporary measure. Two weeks after arriving I will just have to head back here, and plow my way through three more months here. While the two weeks at home are going to be amazing, I worry about how hard it's going to make life here when I return.

The good (or bad, depending how you look at it) news is that I am not a quitter. I signed up for this thing, and I will see it through. It's unfortunate that I am so utterly homesick though, because as Trevor and Matty proved, being in England can be a lot of fun, if you're with the right company.

I'm sure some of you are shaking your head, thinking the best solution available to me is to get out there and make some 'true' friends. I think you may be on to something. The only problem is, I think I need to make non-work friends, and I'm not sure how I could go about doing that. I am going to try my best, because I cannot bear the thought of spending the rest of my days here alone...I want to be able to enjoy being in England, and enjoy being myself.