On Making a Change

So last night some shit went down, and I've woken up this morning and realized that what has happened in the past little while is not me...and yet I let this stuff happen, for some bizarre reason. It's not something I'd have ever let happen in the past. I'm usually such a strong person, but lately I've been letting people get the best of me. Really selfish people have been taking advantage of me, and I've been letting them, because I thought maybe things would change. Things are not going to change, and I know that now. I know that the next little while might suck a bit for me, but whatever. I'm just going to move along, and let these people fall by the wayside. They have no place in my life anymore.

Life is not going to break me.

On Being Sad

Well, I don't want to go into too much detail right now, because for some reason I fear drastically the repercussions of writing a sappy blog. I know I said previously that I would recount the tale of the horrible parent, but I still don't have the energy to do it; I will do it when I feel further removed from it, I think. What I wanted to talk about today was something more personal. However, as I lay here typing this, I am having second thoughts about that. I guess the only thing that needs to be said is that I'm feeling a bit hurt, and a bit let down; but perhaps that is my own doing. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm going to shut my mouth and give things a few weeks to get better, and if they don't then I guess I'll have my answer.

If this all sounds bizarre and none-sensical to you, that's because it is bizarre and none-sensical.

Ugh.

On Not Backing Down

Alright, so you should know, if you aren't already aware, that I had a very rough parents evening on Wednesday of this week. I don't have the time to go into a narrative on the events right now, but rest assured that I will get it all out in the open in a few days (whenever I have an hour to kill typing it up). All that I know right now is that I'm going to take a page from Tom Petty's book: "In a world that keeps pushing me around, I won't back down".

This parent tried to push me down, and he did succeed for a few days, which is longer than it should have been. Slowly, but surely, I started to regain my confidence, and I am only stronger for the experience. I hope he feels like a big man though, because I know who he really is; a petty bully.

I'll explain the whole story in due time.

Cheers.

On Being a Lovefool

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do
to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
say that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me

I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could do have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, and pray and I beg

Love me, love me
Fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leaveme
just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me

I can't care about anything but you
Anything but you

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me,
I know that you need me

I can't care about anything but you

On Being Back in England

I just thought I would quickly post, to let people know that I made it home safe and sound. The flight was faster than I had anticipated, lasting only 6 hours instead of 8. I was well pleased with that. I watched 'Marley and Me', ate the dinner they provided and then proceeded to sleep the rest of the flight. I also slept for the majority of the bus ride from Heathrow to Cambridge.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but am slightly relieved that it is a teacher training day, and therefore I will not have to face any students. I feel far too physically drained to have to grapple with them tomorrow. Hopefully by Tuesday I will be right as rain. I'm a bit apprehensive about Wednesday though, because it is year 10 parents evening; year 10 is a pretty big year, because kids start their coursework (and at my school, we attempt to get it all out of the way by the end of the year). If kids aren't doing the work now they're going to have major problems; this is what most of the parents are coming in to see me about. They're going to grill me fairly hard, I think. I hate being interrogated. Bah. Ah well, someone once told me that parents are more afraid of you than you are of them; I doubt that, considering I look to be about 18 years old myself...There is no way a parent of a 15 year old kid is going to look at me and get the willies.

I wish I looked differently sometimes, then maybe people would take me a little more seriously. Ah well. I will just win them over with my superior intellect and masterful teaching skills.

Try not to laugh too hard.

Cheers.

On My Goodbye Message

Just a little video saying my goodbyes to my friends and family, and thanking them for making this trip home memorable. Sorry about the buzzing noise in the video, the fan on my laptop is retardedly loud, and the microphone pics everything up.

XxX

On Writing For Lack Of Better Things To Do

Ugh. I should probably be marking things right now, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I guess tomorrow afternoon I will have to pull the pile of marking out, and do as much as I can stomach tomorrow. The fact is, I can think of a million things that I would rather do. I feel so removed from my teaching life in England, right now. I feel as if I've been home for ages, even though it's only been 12 or 13 days. I'm starting to forget that I don't live here anymore; how weird is that? It's startling how easily we can fall back into what's comfortable for us. I could do this for the rest of my life; live here, live like this. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be realistic, because I haven't worked for the past two weeks. It's a bit weird.

It's almost too long of a break. I feel rusty. I feel like if I had to go teach tomorrow I would do an absolutely terrible job. I've also started to forget the fact that I am a teacher. I tell people that I meet that that's what I do, and most of the time they don't believe me. Sometimes I don't believe myself!

So tomorrow I will crack out the pile of essays I brought with me, and attempt to get my mind warmed up to the fact that I actually have to educate young children in England. I really should not have put this off so late...but what can you do. I wanted so badly to enjoy my holiday. I needed to give my mind and body a break, and I do believe I've done that. Maybe too much.

I am very sad about having to leave home, but I am also looking forward to returning. I just hope that I can find a job for September fairly soon; I worry that I've left things too late, but I certainly hope not. I am not ready to leave England yet. There is a lot to keep me there.

One thing is travel, as I've said before. Last night I went to my friend Steph's house, and we watched the film 'In Bruges'. I wasn't sure what to expect from the film, but it had Colin Farrel in it, so I wasn't going to complain. It turned out to be a really amazing film; it was edgy and funny, not to mention the fact beautiful. The characters kept joking quite a lot about Bruges (Why would anyone want to go to Bruges?!), but as the film drew on and on, I became mesmerized with the beauty of it. Watching the film in Canada, it made me recognize the old world charm, the things I can see in Cambridge (like canals, bridges, cobblestone streets, old tight-knit communities and buildings); it made me miss England. It also instilled a desire in me to go to Bruges. It looked to me like a closer version of Rome. I am also of the belief that a lot of people speak English there, which would be beneficial for me, considering I am an ignorant North American, who can only speak one language. I do plan to learn French before I am 30; we'll see if I can manage it. Anyways, Bruges was made out to be a very beautiful 'fair tale' place, so I am determined to go there.

I did some preliminary research, and found that for the days I want to go the Eurostar would be the best (and cheapest) option. I also scouted a site, recommended to me from a friend, about hostels, and found that Bruges has a bevy of pleasant looking and affordable hostels. I cannot wait for this trip. I will likely book something for sure very soon; I want to be able to securely say I am doing it.

I must admit, I find some humour in the fact that I am planning my next vacation before my current one is even over. However, in my profession you have to have something to work towards, otherwise you'd just go insane. I need to have something like this to look forward to; something has to keep me going, something beyond the ordinary.

Anyways, I'm going to stop for now. Perhaps if I get more thoughts floating around my head I will come back and add some more.

Cheers.