On Being Apprehensive About The New Year

I've got a few days of freedom left.

The new school year, which entails a new school for me, starts in just over a week's time. I thought I'd be a lot better prepared for this, mentally, but as the date looms nearer and nearer, I start to feel more and more nervous about it. Despite the fact that I now have a full years teaching experience under my belt, I am still very afraid that I am 'unskilled' in the ways of teaching. I worry now that I caught some sort of break at Swavesey (though, even in writing that I have to contain a chuckle, as that cannot possibly be true), and magically was able to make my way through the year. What if I am not cut out for this new school? What if the students are even more horrendous to me, and they cause me to suffer any number of clamities, up to and including a mental breakdown?!

I know you may think I am being silly and melodramatic, and I will admit that I am. However, one cannot escape such nagging thoughts. In the back of my mind I know that I am a great teacher. I also know that I'm a pretty strong woman, to have made it this far. I also know I'm in a much better position this year than I was last year. I think if you go back and read what I was writing at this time last year (it was August 23rd, 2008 that I landed in England!)there will be a stark difference in narrative; I was so obviously unskilled and unversed in a large number of things. I didn't know the British Curriculum. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have a place to live. I didn't understand the accents. I didn't understand the culture and the customs (trust me, there are stark differences). I now have a much better grasp on nearly all of those things, the accent aside. A year in, and I still struggle to understand some of what people are saying to me, my own boyfriend included. It's a slow process, I reckon.

I think the one thing that will really help me out this year is my newfound understanding of the curriculum, and the way things work here. I struggled for months with the curriculum last year, and it wasn't until I was thrown head-first into things that it started to click for me. Now I have a pretty good understanding of how things work, and will be starting the year with a much more solid foundation, in terms of where I need to go with my students. I floundered last year, quite badly. I will be the first to admit that the first two terms (all the way to Christmas) were pretty much rubbish. My teaching was rubbish, my assignments were rubbish, and my marking was rubbish. It wasn't until I had time for a little reflection (and a new laptop, with a much easier to manipulate Microsoft PowerPoint 2007) that I truly came into my own. Now I think I can create and plan really visually awesome and mentally stimulating lessons, using my creativity (which grew out of my increasing comfort with the curriculum) and my technological flare. I am by no means a computer whiz; I don't make elaborately complicated presentations, but I do make them very visually appealing, and try to include as little text as possible. For me, the PowerPoints are not about getting loads of boring information across to the students. Instead, they are my interactive lesson plans. Instead of writing my lessons plans out on paper, I include all my steps (and reminders to myself, in very subtle language) on various slides. With loads of images, videos and sounds. It's the best and easiest way for me to plan my lessons, and the students seem to respond well to them. They know that every lesson I do includes a PowerPoint, and when they're off ill, or for any other reason, they know they can ask me for the PowerPoint they missed to be able to see what we did.

It works well for me, and is something I am good at. I plan to do it for the forseeable future. It's a skill I didnt' have at this time last year, but one I definitely have now.

I hope that the students at my new school come to appreciate my style of teaching, because I know it took some time at the old one. Time for the students to come to terms with me, as a person and a teacher. I'm going to try to start off being more strict. I have to earn their respect as a teacher first and foremost, which was something I struggled with last year. I am going to follow the school rules to a T, and be consistent. Once we've established that I mean business, then I can let up and get comfortable. But I'm smarter now. I know that being nice to students right off the bat will not get you anywhere. It just shows them you're weak. I don't want to be the pushover this year, and the only person who can control that happening is me.

I'm going to give it my all, and hope for the best.

I'm still nervous though. Dreadfully nervous. But a wise friend of mine once said that being nervous is a good thing, because it shows you care.

Obviously I do care; I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to be the best teacher in the school. Or at least have the students view me that way. At the end of the day, that's what matters most to me; having students view me as an effective and good teacher.

Fingers crossed that I can achieve that level of success.

Cheers.

On The End Of My First Year Teaching

Gosh, I am being really shit at this blogging thing lately, aren't I? I used to be so regular at it, and then all of a sudden I got a social life, and bam, no more time for me to record my thoughts. I am terribly sorry for those of you who get a kick out of reading this. I got a kick out of writing it, mainly because I have a penchant for blathering on mindlessly. I'm one of those people who feels that my thoughts are all-important --- to myself. Oddly, I enjoy writing these things, and then immediately going through and reading what I've just written. It kind of allows me to reflect a little bit better. It may sound strange and self-loving, I know, but that's the honest truth. I'm not one to cover anything up. What you see is what you get.

Anyways, I could probably write a whole story about my last few weeks of teaching, but suffice it to say, I'm (yet again) not really in much of a mood to type out the whole thing. The last day was a good one, on a general level. The entire last week I just felt like I had checked out - and the kids had too. My lessons, while still teaching the curriculum, were a bit lacking my usual flair. I also relied heavily on DVDs on the last day. I just could not shake the feeling that a) I didn't care, that b) the kids didn't care, and c) my memories of my own education never had me learning on the last day. It just doesn't make sense to learn on the last day. You're not getting tested or marked on anything, so what is the point? I was also completely out of the mindset of being at my school. A few uber lazy year 10 students handed me some severely overdue coursework, which I was kind enough to (begrudgingly) mark whilst watching DVDs in my other lessons.

I received many cards, candies, cakes and gifts. It was touching, because students that I thought had no regard for me were the ones that expressed the most sadness at seeing me leave. It was heartwarming.

I will undoubtedly miss the students at the school. They can be an inspiring lot, if you get past the trust issues and the laziness (which is extremely hard to do). I won't miss the school itself, of the bureaucracy, or the department in which I worked. That lot, for the most part, can fade into memory for me. A few of them will be kindly remembered, but most won't. One man in particular didn't even bother to say goodbye to me. What a douche. He can rot, for all I care, because he's a pompous little asshole.

But no matter. It is over. I never have to set foot in that school again. If you've read this from the start, you'll know what a trial this past year has been. It's been tough. I've learnt a lot; about teaching, about children, and about myself. I've grown in immense ways, and in ways I never thought imaginable at this time last year. I'd like to think I'm a new person, but really I'm not. I'm the same ol' me, but a little wiser, a little tougher, and a little more prepared. Just a little though.

I am still very nervous about next year, and the new challenge that will bring to me. I feel more prepared than I was last year, starting at a new school, but I still see so many challenges along the way. I'm scared, but I'm also ready. I feel like the fresh start will really give me the chance I need to finally be the teacher I wanted to be, way back in teachers college.

This isn't to say I'm not already that teacher, but I'm not exactly what I had imagined...not quite. I need to have a lot more respect to be the teacher I want to be. Obviously that comes with time, but I'm willing to put it in...so I hope I get it back.

Anyways, thats about all I feel up to writing for now.

My parents are over for a visit, and it's been absolutely lovely to see them. Its so nice to be in the same room with them again, to just chat. Even just watching the television with them is nice, because it takes me back to a simpler time, when I was living at home. I love my parents, and miss them terribly. I dread having them leave to go back to Canada, because it is so comforting to know they're in the same country as me right now. They may not be with me, at the moment, but I feel they are much closer, much more accessible. I feel less detached from home, knowing they are here. It's weird, but true. Seeing them also makes me regret, just a little, my decision to stay here. There are so many reasons for me not to go home, but seeing my parents reminds me of the one reason TO go back; my family. I miss them a lot. The idea of not being near to them for the rest of my life is very intimidating, and its not something that I would do lightly. Obviously, the desire for me to stay in England rests not just in being able to work, but being able to love. I do feel I've met someone who is worth staying here for. He's a really fabulous young man, and right now, the thought of leaving him is out of the question. Which makes things very confusing for me, because I want to stay here and start my future here, but I also have such a strong pull to go home, in my family. They'd be very upset if I chose to stay in England.

It's all so hard to work out, but I know that for the time being I have to focus on the forthcoming year. Whatever happens after that happens. I have to take it one day at a time.

Cheers

On Writing a Poem

Crushed

Do you really thinks so little,
Of my thoughts,
My views,
My stare

That you'd roll your eyes
And laugh at
All the ways I show I care?

Do I really factor so small,
With the way I try to show
How you're killing me with 'kindness'
Despite the fact I know

You disregard by concern,
And misinterpret my distaste.
You clearly just don't give a damn,
A fact you make with haste.

I'm fed up with trying to change you,
It's a battle never won.
I could try until my face was blue,
Till the setting of the sun.

One day I pray you'll notice,
And feel a pang of some regret,
For the teacher you crushed daily
With your voice,
Your hate,
Your threat.

On June Being Nearly Done

I feel I must apologize; I really have been slacking on updating this thing lately. However, I really have been super busy. I've been trying to secure a job for next year (which I was finally successful at obtaining), trying to plan for my two new year 7 groups (it's proven to be MORE work to have these classes than the two year 11groups that I lost - yet another bone of contention that I have these days), having a healthy social life with my wonderful new man, and generally just trying to survive.

I could probably type for ages, and spin a really nice yarn, about everything that's happened over the past few weeks. I've got a few narratives that I'd like to put out there, but I also don't want to bore people with the mediocrity of my life.

I suppose where I should begin is with the tale of my successful job interview.

It started at the ungodly early hour of 5:30 am. I had to get up early, because they'd asked me to be at the school at 8 in the morning, which is before classes start. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal, as I'm at my school now at around that time (or maybe 10 minutes after). However, because the school isn't as close as my current school, I had to work out a different travel plan. Unfortunately the only option open to me, due to where I currently live, was calling a taxi. I knew it was going to cost me a pretty penny, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. The taxi arrived at 7am, and whisked me on my way.

It was a pretty long ride. If you've ever lived or travelled in England, I think you can sympathize when I say that the roads here are laid out in the most inconvenient way; you can only get into towns or cities via a few select roads. It's not like back home, where you can enter a town on one of many different side or residential roads. In England it seems as if they want to make life hard for communters. You can walk anywhere in this country, and have a multitude of pathways to choose from, but if you're driving you're pretty much stuck with one route. There are rarely alternative routes, unless you want to get sidetracked. It seems like in order to get from A to B you are forced to go through C first, backtrack around D and then finally your path will bring you to B. It's ridiculous. Whoever designed the roadworks here must have been on drugs. You cannot get onto the highways at multiple points either. There are very few spots where you can merge onto a highway. One way, baby.

But anyways, I am digressing. The trip to the school seemed to take an eternity. We also encountered pretty conjested traffic (and this was on COUNTRY roads, mind you), and I started to get a bit nervous that I would be late.

Finally we arrived in the village. Unfortunately, neither myself nor the cab driver knew where the college was. However, he followed some signs, and we found it easily enough. However, unbenounced to us, the school is situated on two sites. I was dropped off at the second site. It was a bit of a trek for me, and I made a few wrong turns, but eventually I found my way to the office.

Walking up to the school, I was struck with how beautiful it was. It seemed to me to be located in a cream colouted, Victorian style mansion. The front entrance was a large, floor to ceiling door wooden door, with marble columns and a round marble porch. As I walked into the reception, I definitely got the impression that the place had been converted from a former home. In the centre, past the main reception, was a large wooden staircase, leading upstairs somewhere. Around me where a few spacious rooms, with high ceilings and wooden floors.

I walked up to the recpetion desk, got a vistors badge, and waited to be collected. Soon one of the assistant heads came and brought me to a meeting room, to fill in a bunch of forms. I was then chatted up by him, and he basically explained that the day would run fairly laid-back. He hinted that they'd already decided to hire me, based on what they'd heard from my current head of department, and that today was just to ensure that it was going to be a good fit. This made me feel a little more secure about the process, as interviews in England can be very daunting.

I was then met by the department head, who was very laid back and friendly. She was a cheery looking, bubbly woman, who made many jokes to try and put me at ease. She seemed to not take things super seriously, which also served to put me at ease. I was definitely starting to feel pretty good about this school.

The department head lead me up the wide wooden stairs, telling me that students did not get to walk up the stairs; it was a privelege only teachers had. They creaked loudly with each step, which instantly made me think of my home in Tillsonburg. We laughed at the noise, and it was explained to me that the building had initally been built by a race horse jockey in the 1900s. However, due to gambling, he had lost all his money, and hence the house. It was then bought by the village and turned into a posh grammar school. Years later it was bought out by the public system, and merged with the school across the pathway (which is why the school is in two sites), to become the school it is today. The English and Maths departments are located in this old main building, and the other departments are in the other half.

I conducted my lesson after this, which I felt went really well. I had a good rapport with the students, which I think was observed. They were also eager to discuss some of the topics I had at hand (the lesson was on facts and opinions), which I think boded well for me.

After the lesson, I was whisked into the 'English Teachers Jacuzzi', which is the comfy English office. It was laden with soft chairs, tables, a mini-fridge, and loads of books and sweets. I was chatted up, and felt completely at home.

I was then given a tour of the school by two year 8 students, and finished with my interview with a panel of governors and the department head.

I answered the questions as honestly as possible, and with as much confidence as I could muster, and it paid off. I was offered the job.

I quickly accepted.

I am so eager to start at this school, because it is absolutely beautiful, and the staff seems very very friendly.

I will update more, as it comes up.

Cheers.

On Just Saying

I know I've been awol for the past little while; it's been a busy time for me. I'm in a pretty decent place in life though, all things considered. They could be better, but they could also be a hell of a lot worse. I'm still looking for work, but I remain positive about that. I'll find something.

I'm happy. I'm with a really amazing guy these days, and he makes me smile.

On Wanting A Rudding Job Already!

Jezus, this job search thing is harder than I thought; you hear all the time that they're short English teachers, or teachers in general, but when push comes to shove what they mean to say is they're short BRITISH English teachers. And in my interview experience, that's just not the case. I'm really annoyed with getting passed over for jobs just because I'm Canadian, and therefore not as experienced with the British education system. Yah, thats true. So what. I came here with very little knowledge, and for someone starting from square one, I'd like to think I've done pretty well for myself. I'm a fast learner, and I've made very few mistakes along the way. Sure, I'm not perfect; I had some mishaps, but nothing monumental. Apparently that means very little though; the ability to adapt isn't as good as I had thought.

Its just blooming frustrating, to look at the job market worldwide, and have to constantly be worrying. It's driving me mad. I just want some security for next year, and I know in this crazy economy that's a lot to ask, but I'm still asking.

Ah, I could rant on and on about the interview I went to today, but I'll just leave it at that. They passed me over for some old fart lady teacher, who had more experience than me. Obviously, on a realistic level, I cannot fault them for that in the slightest. Education really isn't the type of profession where you can afford to take risks. You've got young lives on the line. But dammit, going the safe route vs going a new (but not unreliable) route still doesn't fly with me.

But whatever. The job that I'm meant to get will come soon enough. I hope.

I hate worrying.

On Something Something In The Month Of May

I realise that the month of May is now done and dusted, but I do feel as if I didn't blog nearly as much as I could have during the month. I would like to say it is because I was terribly busy - in fact, that may very well be the case, I can't really recall. I think mostly it was that it was a whirlwind of activity, from start to finish. A lot of things happened in the month, and it's often hard to keep track. Sometimes I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers before I have time to realise what I've lost. I wish that it would slow down a little.

For one thing, I cannot believe that the end of my first year teaching is nearly upon me. I feel as if it went by way too fast, now that the end is in sight. I definitely think I've grown a lot in this year. I don't necessarily even mean just as a teacher; I think as a person I have grown a lot as well. I was talking to my friend Rachelle today, and she made a comment about how she hasn't changed. It made me wonder if I had. It's hard for me to judge, because I'd like to say that I haven't, but I also haven't been around my friends and family in months (at least not for prolonged periods), and if I were going to change at all, they would be the ones who would notice. The friends I make here only know the Krista that I am when I am here. That person could be totally different from Canadian Krista; how would I know?! It's a weird thing to think about, and I do hope that I have stayed the same. I mean, obviously I'm perhaps a little bit more 'worldly', having now lived in England for nearly a year (and planning on staying for more). I've been fortunate enough to travel (not nearly enough, I might add), and seen most of the United Kingdom. I still need to venture across the channel though. That'll come next year, I hope.

It all hinges on my ability to find a job for September. I do hope to get that all sorted soon, so I can stop worrying. It's hard looking at the lack of jobs in Canada. I've already made up my mind to stay in England, but I still worry. I miss home a great deal; I miss my family and I miss my friends. I miss 'home' and everything that it entails. I miss my cat. I just miss being there. But I also know that I'm not done here. I'm not done with this part of my life, this road of the journey. I don't want to say that I'd stay in England forever, because we'll never know how the future turns out, but I also can't say that I won't. It's weird. Really weird. I feel that my future is really up in the air. I'm not sure where I want to be in five years. I'm not sure who I want to be in five years. I just hope that in five years time I'm comfortable in my career as a teacher, and that I am FINALLY madly in love with some amazing guy (who, I must admit, I hope is British - I do adore their accents. Nearly a year into it, and I still do not find the accent unattractive).

Anyways, I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here, and for that I apologize. I will try to update this more, so that I'm not as disconnected from the people back home. I will try to keep you posted on the comings and goings of my life.

Things in my current job are going well. The kids are really starting to grasp that I won't be back in September, and a lot of them are feeling quite sad about it. Not a day goes by that at least one of them doesn't express some anger and concern about my position in September. A few have said they are going to chain me to my desk. It makes me feel pretty good to know that the kids like and respect me that much; they don't want to see me go. I remember I had a teacher like that once, and I remember how much respect it takes to be able to TELL a teacher how you feel. So I really do appreciate the kids, and their concern for me. I am going to miss them a lot. I'd like to think that I will never forget them, but knowing me and my bad memory, it's likely that I will, some day. Definitely not some day soon though.

I know I had a bit of a rough start with some of them, but at the end of the day they're all pretty wonderful. The school itself has some wonderful elements about it. It is by no means perfect, but come the end of July I will be a much stronger teacher, thanks to the experiences I've had at the school. I will owe the school a great deal.

Anyways, I am going to sign off now, and leave you with some more Taylor Swift lyrics, just because I enjoy the song.

Cheers.

-----------------------------------------------------

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

So baby drive slow
‘Til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger’s seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture every memory

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
my hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in & I’m a little more brave
It’s the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin’, it’s fearless.

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless