On Feeling Like Absolute Shit

So today was quite possibly the worst day of my entire life. I don't feel like rehashing the details right now, because it will just make me upset, but I will anyways. Long story short, I ended up being very very stern with my lower ability year 11s today, for constantly "taking the mick out of me". In other words, they've been pushing my buttons for five weeks now, and I've had enough. I've been trying SO hard with this group, and getting mediocre results back. I even changed the seating plan of my room, which affects EVERY OTHER class I have, in order to better accommodate these kids. I have a large central table, that I have the 16 students sit around. I then work with them on THEIR level, talking them through tasks, and getting them to do it as a group. If I left them to do the tasks individually, only a few of the slightly higher ability ones would complete it. The others would need constant supervision. This way, I can supervise them all, and get the work done. Well....today, I had a group of girls refuse to join the table. They wanted to work on their own. I said that was fine, as long as they stayed on top of the work, and weren't off task.

Well, I quickly noticed that they were not talking about the poetry I had assigned. Far from it. I called them on their behaviour, only to meet rolled eyes and sighs. I told them they should join the main table again, to stay on task, but they refused. Not wanting to ruin the learning the others were doing, I set back to the task at hand.

Again, their talking caught my attention, and again I chastised them. This time they started to argue back, saying that they were trying to listen to me, but the talking of some boys at my table was preventing them from hearing. They said I was being unfair, picking on them for talking, when people at my table were talking too. I told them I wasn't being unfair, and if they wanted to hear what I was saying, they should join the table.

They then launched into a tirade about how I was "alienating" them from the lesson, by not including them. I calmly stated back that they had CHOSEN to sit separately from the majority of the class, and that I had ENTRUSTED them to stay on task as a result.

"Maybe it's best if you move over here," I said.
"NO!" they shouted back at me. "We're fine here, just make everyone else stop talking, not just us."
The guys at the main table started to argue back at this point, and soon it was a shouting match between the group at the main table, and these girls off to the side. I tried to interject, but to no avail. They either couldn't hear me over their own shouting, or they chose not to. I sat there, dumbfounded for a moment, staring at the TA. She looked helplessly at me.

Then I stood up.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I shouted.
"I've had ENOUGH of this! I am NOT going to let this class get out of control ANYMORE! This is absolutely CHAOTIC! There is NO reason for this! I am so sick of you guys constantly talking, arguing, fighting, and NOT DOING THE WORK. I'm TRYING to help you do this! I am TRYING to make sure that you all have a solid grasp over this content! You CANNOT hope to get a passing mark on the coursework, if you constantly talk over me, and shout at each other!"
One of the girls opened her mouth, to say something back at me. Her eyes flashed angrily at me.
"NO! Don't say anything. I don't want to hear you say ANYTHING right now. I'm talking, and I'm sick of you all trying to talk over me. This is MY classroom, not yours."
One of the boys at my table snickered. This caused the three girls to the side to snicker as well.
I stared at them, steely eyed.
"I fail to see what is so funny. This is your future. If you want to sabatoge it, that's pretty damn pathetic," I said, the anger dripping heavily from my voice.

The boys at my table stared at me, their mouths hanging open. They'd never seen me angry before. I think they thought I was a bit of a pushover. Part of the problem, I suppose.

The girls, however, were not impressed. They saw my anger as a call to arms. They started to shout back, saying I was "unfairly" picking on them, and that I was alienating them from learning by allowing others to talk, but not them. Again they tried to say that I forced them away from the main group. I rolled my eyes at them, ready to defend myself, but deciding against it.
"I'm not going to argue with you. I don't have to," I said.

At this point, the TA piped in, saying that I had, in fact, invited them repeatedly to join us, but that they'd refused. She said I couldn't drag them to the table. She was right. I couldn't...though next lesson I will.

Again, I had to strongly reiterate the fact that THEY had chosen to exclude THEMSELVES, and that I couldn't be expected to MAKE them want to learn. I took all the blame they were placing on me, and put it squarely on their shoulders, where it rightfully belonged. My voice remained calm and cold, collected to a T. Inside, I was shaking though. Shaking with anger and pent up resentment, not just at the girls in particular,but at everyone in the class. Everyone who was constantly pushing my buttons, seeing how far they could go.

At this point one of the girls, the most vocal one, stood up.
"I WON'T work in here with YOU," she spat at me.
I stared at her, not saying a word. I don't know how I looked, but I felt utterly and totally bad ass; I hope my face projected my own apathy back at her. She stormed out, saying she was going to her House Office.

The TA looked at me, and I sat, unmoving. Every head in the classroom was turned to me, expectantly. I simply sat there, staring at the remaining two girls, daring them to get up and do the same.
"Do you want me to go after her?" she asked.
"Yes please," I said, calmly.
"You can't use this as an excuse to get out of a lesson..." the TA mumbled under her breath as she walked out of the room.
No one watched her go. Everyone remained fixated on me.
I picked up the poem we were working on, and continued on with it. I've never heard my voice sound so hollow and cold before. It was eerie even to me.
The students were quiet, not saying a word. I asked a question. Repeated it. Finally one of the girls at the main table answered, and some sort of normalcy returned.
When the TA returned, she shrugged at me, and went over to talk to the remaining two girls off to the side. I plowed on with my poem.
I didn't notice until the end of class that one of the girls had started to cry, while talking to the TA. When everyone had cleared the room, I approached her, and asked her what had happened.
"I think they weren't used to you pushing back. I think it shocked them. You put them in their place, and ruined their argument, and the only thing they had left to do was cry," she said.
"I don't think I did anything wrong..." I said, rather sheepishly.
"Oh no, you didn't," she said. "In fact, I don't know HOW you managed to stay so calm and collected. I mean, you were angry, that was obvious, but... it wasn't out of control. It was poised..."
"I don't know what to do to make these kids do the work..." I said.
"Honestly, you're doing more than I've seen anyone else do with them. I think the seating arrangement is ingenious. It works. These kids need someone on them, all the time."
She suggested that I re-arrange the boys in the class, to break up their ability to talk. I agreed.
Tomorrow I have the class again, and I'm going to try out the new arrangement. We'll see if it helps. I'm also going to demand that everyone sit at the main tables with me and the TA. We're going to get through this together, or not at all.

Still, once the TA left the room, I felt everything from the period rush back at me. The raw emotion of the girls, the awkwardness from the rest of the class, my own frustration and anger, everything. I sat in my desk, put my head in my hands, and cried for a good 5 minutes. I am so glad no one walked in. I had my door wide open, and it was entirely possible. If anyone had seen me looking like that, I don't know what I would have done. Likely they would have asked what was wrong, and I would have then broken down into a sobbing, sniffling mess. I don't want anyone in the department to see me cry....I am already afraid that they think I'm "green". Crying would only add to the pile of things that are potentially wrong with me.

I wiped my face dry with my scarf, and spent the rest of my free period trying to compose myself enough for the staff meeting that followed after school. It wasn't easy, but I think I managed it.

Regardless, I am still left feeling like shit. I can't concentrate enough tonight to plan, or do anything productive. Luckily for me, Heroes is on in twenty minutes, and I can watch that, veg out, and then go to bed.

My fingers are crossed that tomorrow brings a better day. If it's another bad one, like the last few........well.....lord help me....