On Letting Staff See Me Cry

Well, I've given the story away with the title today. I cried at school. Again. The only difference between this time and all the other times is that people walked in today. I also cried more than once, in front of different people. God, I am weepy. So green. So embarrassing. Here's how it went down...

Tuesday I usually dread, because I start the day off with my year 9s. There is a staff briefing every Tuesday and Thursday, where they give us coffee. Usually I inhale a cup of super sugary brew, because I need the extra caffeine to deal with them. I sat through the meeting today, chugging my coffee, and hoping that it wouldn't go as badly as it went last week.

It started off alright. A few of the students weren't there at first, and when the kids came in they quietly got down to work. I was pretty impressed, and even commented on how pleased I was with how they'd entered the room and gotten down to business.

As I was doing the roll call, a group of fairly bad students wandered in. They were already late, so common courtesy would dictate that they SHOULD enter quietly. Instead, they stormed in, making as much noise as humanly possible.
"Sorry Miss," one of the boys said, a stupid cocky grin plastered on his face. "We got held back in form time...had to have a private conversation with our tutor. Man to man..."
"That's fine..." I said, "But if you're going to come in late, at least do so quietly"
"Yah, Jimmy (name changed, for obvious reason)...remember what we were told. Smarten up," the other boy said, sarcastically.
I glared at them until they sat down, then continued on with the lesson.

I was reading 'Lord of the Flies' aloud. I can't let the kids read it themselves, because they'd never do anything. Usually there are minor disruptions while I read, and today was no exception. Usually I roam around while reading, which is a feat in itself to do without tripping and falling, so I cruised around putting out one interruption after another.

The two boys who'd wandered in late though, could not settle down. They kept shouting each other's names out as I read. I'd go stand by one, giving my hard teacher stare between words, only to have the other one do something stupid and distracting. So then I'd have to move over there, and repeat my actions. I guess I should have removed one of them, but it's so hard to think of the right thing to do in the heat of the moment. Regardless, it was obvious to me, and to the entire class, that they were playing with me. Other boys in the class started to pick up on it, and decided they wanted in on the game. Random coughs started throughout the room. I could never figure out who was making what noise, so it was hard to stop it. I'd stop reading, stare at the clock, and wait for their silence, but as soon as I started to read again the minor irritations would begin again.

A different boy, who is always a bit of a firestarter, started to really act up. He put his hand up while I was reading, so I stopped to ask him what his question was.
"Nothing, " he said. "I'm just bored."
I felt myself getting pretty angry, but I chose to ignore his bratty comment, and plowed ahead. The girls in the room were all devotedly following along with the reading, and I didn't want to deprive them of learning, just because the boys were deciding to immature.

The distractions didn't stop though, as the boys started to really push me around. A cough would issue in one corner, followed by a fart noise in another, followed by a name being shouted in another. Finally, having had enough of this nonsense, I finished the chapter.
"Alright. Since you guys aren't going to let me read aloud, you can finish the book independently. I want everyone to turn to chapter 12, and start reading. If I hear a single peep, even one little noise, you're asking me for an after school detention," I said.
The girls all started reading instantly. The boys were hesitant. I could tell most of them didn't want to chance an after school with me.

I started to stroll around the room, to ensure everyone was reading, and instantly heard chatter from the front when I was at the back.

I whipped around, to see who it was, and low and behold, it was young Jimmy. I walked slowly towards him. He saw me the entire time, but gave me a rebellious look.
"Diary please," I demanded when I got to him.
"Why Miss?" he asked.
"You were talking. You heard what I said. Diary please."
"Oh MAN...this is bullshit. Other people were talking, but you ALWAYS pick on me. This is retarded. I hate this class. This is a crap teaching group, and you're even more of a crap teacher. We don't learn anything, and you ALWAYS pick on me and never anyone else. I hate you and I hate this class. Everyone hates it," he ranted. "This is complete bullshit."
I tried to calmly write in his planner that he had a detention with me Thursday, but my hand was shaking, because I was getting a bit upset. The entire time I was writing, he was causing a huge scene, bitching and moaning about what a "crap" teacher I was. I'm not going to lie, it was really really hard for me to not cry right then and there.

I finished writing, and then turned to face the class.
"Anyone else want to join Jimmy?" I asked.
Silence.
"Good."

I started to walk away, and instantly heard Jimmy mumbling under his breath about what a shit teacher I am, and how crappy the lessons are.
I wheeled around to face him, and gave him quite possibly the dirtiest look on the face of the planet. He gave it right back. It was 100% evident that he HATED my GUTS. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a kid look at you that way....but it's really hard to take. It crushed me a little bit, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it goes back to my being completely naive and stupid. I guess a ridiculous part of me wants to be liked. I know that's not important, and I also know it's impossible ... you can't get everyone to like you, especially not people you're supposed to have authority over. I definitely have to get over that. But I haven't yet. I'm working on it.

I stared him down though, until finally he gave up and opened his book.

Meanwhile, the firestarter boy I told you about earlier fed directly off Jimmy's behaviour, and started talking as loudly as he could to the person behind him.
I strolled over to him, and asked for his diary. Jimmy instantly started bitching again. I couldn't deal with that now though.
"WHAT?!" the other boy screamed.
"Your diary. It should already be out. Get it out now," I said, trying to stay calm.
"I don't have it," he said defiantly.
"Right, well you know the automatic response to not having your diary with you," I said, knowing he would cave.
"FINE!" he said, bending to rummage in his bag.
He pulled the diary out, throwing it on the table.
I opened it, and started writing.
"What are you writing?" he asked.
"That you have an after school with me," I said.
"WHAT?! BULLSHIT. This school is fucking anal. Every FUCKING thing I do..." he said.
"Wow. You're really heaping on the reasons today, aren't you?" I said, as I wrote more.
"Fuck you, and fuck this school. I'm NOT coming. I'm going on holiday anyways, so it's pointless to assign one," he said.
"Well, you'll just serve it after half term," I replied.
"The hell I will," he said.
"Try skipping it, and see how that turns out for you," I said.
"Fuck this, I'm out of this STUPID class. You're an asshole," he yelled at me. He threw his chair down and whipped past me and out the door.
I stared after him, unsure of what to do.
The class started to giggle.
I looked over at Jimmy, and he looked back at me, a smug grin on his face. It was like he was telling me he wasn't the ONLY one who thought I was crap.

"Keep reading," I said meekly.

They all bowed their heads, and read silently for the last 5 minutes. I wandered through the room, aimlessly, going over all the things that had JUST happened. Finally, it was time to dismiss them.

"Jimmy, I need to talk to you a moment," I said.
Everyone filed out, all of them giving me either looks of total disgust and hatred, or sympathy.
Jimmy was staring at the floor.
"Give me your diary," I said.
He started to protest, but I told him it wasn't a bad thing.
I crossed out the after school detention, and wrote in lunchtime detention.
"I shouldn't even do this, but maybe it'll serve as a warning to you. I expect way better from you. And frankly, when you say, in front of the entire class, that I'm a crap teacher....well on a personal level that's not nice. I don't like that. I'm a person too, Jimmy. That hurts."
He glanced up at me for a second, then looked back at the floor.
"I know. I'm sorry. I said it in the heat of the moment, and I shouldn't have. Ask my Mum...I do that a lot. I didn't mean it," he said.
"It doesn't matter if you meant it. You said it, people heard it, and it's rude and disrespectful to me for you to say that. It makes me look bad, and it makes you look bad. You need to control yourself...."
"Yah. Okay. Sorry Miss," he said. He was squirming. It was obvious to me he wanted to leave.
The mean part of me wanted to make him squirm some more, but instead I told him he could go....but that his mother would be hearing from me.
He shot me a worried glance, before hardening, and turning away.
"Things have to change, Jimmy," I shouted after him.

I walked around the room, pushing in chairs, collecting forgotten books. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. I kept replaying in my mind Jimmy calling me a crap teacher. The venom in his voice rebounded in my head. I walked to my desk, and collapsed into my chair. I stared at the computer monitor, my eyes starting to well up with tears. I tried to fight them back, tried to think of anything else. Anything but the fact that I was officially a crap teacher.

Louise walked into my room at that moment.
"Are you alright?" she asked, "How were they?"
"Crap," I said. "Totally awful."
"Aw, what happened?" she asked.
"I....I....." I started to say. I couldn't finish. I hid my face in my hands, and started to cry. I mean, really really cry. None of this watery eyes, emotional shit. Actual hard weeping.
"Oh my god, Krista, no! Don't let them do this to you! Don't cry!" she said. She put her books down on the nearest table, and walked over to me. She put her arms around my shoulders, and pressed her face against mine. It was actually very comforting. I haven't had someone, especially a woman, be so intimate with me in awhile. It was very motherly, and it was kinda nice. I couldn't stop crying though.

She let me cry, rubbing my back, and nuzzling my hair.
"It's alright. You can't take what they say personally. You are NOT a crap teacher. It is not your fault they are a difficult group. You're doing everything you can. And we will work to make this right. It is NOT you. Don't EVER let them tell you it's you. It's not you."
Allison walked in at this point. She saw me crying, and walked over.
"Jesus. The little shits...don't let them get to you. They are not worth it," she said.
I started to suck it up, at this point. I opened my desk to get some tissues, and started to dry my eyes.
I explained to them what had happened. Louise was indignant, and told me to talk to Leslie.
"They have to know they can't get away with bullying you, which is what they are doing," she said.
I agreed with her, and resolved to not only talk to a LOT of mothers, but to talk to Leslie too.

I did talk to Leslie, later in the day. It was between my double period with my 10s, at lunch. She came in, asking if I was alright. I don't know what it was, but the look on her face made me burst into tears again. I started to weep harder than before, as I tried to explain the story to her.

She was livid. She told me she would pull the two main boys out of class that afternoon, and exclude them from my next lesson. Then she gave me some words of wisdom, and some professional advice. I could tell she felt bad that I was crying...I felt bad too. Its horribly embarrassing to cry in front of your boss. I felt like such a rookie. I still feel like the biggest rookie on the face of the planet.

But this class...this class is getting the best of me. The worst thing is, I don't know how to fix it. I was trying, trying really hard...and I was making SOME headway....but obviously not enough.

Anyways, I just felt like shit the rest of the day. I had to try to teach my last period, after balling my eyes out to Leslie, as if nothing was wrong. I'm sure the kids could tell. You can always tell when someone's been crying...and I'd cried TWICE in the day. My eyes were a bit puffy....not very attractive.

It's just such a huge embarrassment to me. I hate being such a sensitive sap. Such an open book. I wish I could learn not to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I wonder when I will grow that hard skin that so many teachers have? Maybe by the end of the year? I can only hope.

It doesn't help that on a personal level, my life is pretty bland right now. I come home, and all I really want is someone to turn to, to talk to...and I'm met with the solitude of my own room. My roomies are nice, but they've got their own lives, and I don't factor in very high...plus the language barrier makes it a bit hard. The thing I want more than anything right now is to just rest my head on someone. A hug'd be nice. Just a hug, where I could take a deep breath, close my eyes, and forget about how crap my job can be sometimes. Just melt into nothing. And I don't just mean a dude here. It could be my Mama, or my sister, or my best girl pals. But a fellow'd be nice too.....cuz they've got nicer arms, and no boobies to get in the way of a nice lay-down. Oh how I'd fancy a snuggle. Ha ha ha!

God, I want to go home. God, I want half term to come....I need a break from my life, and Scotland will provide just that.

I need a drink.

I need a lot of things.

I need a hug most of all.

Cheers.