On Managing

So it's been a week since my meltdown, and I must admit things have changed for the better. My year 9s were the only group that I openly struggled with, and since the insane crying incident they've cooled down considerably. I think they finally realized that I'm a human being, and that I have feelings. You can only push a person so far before they lose it; I absolutely broke down in front of them, and it worked immensely to do so. It's a bit unfortunate that it had to get that ugly, but sometimes that's what it takes.

I must admit though, that I am a bit apprehensive about how long the solution is going to last.

Initially, my Department Head made all the right noises, and was fully behind me. I sobbed to her that I could not teach the one student (we shall call him Charlie for now) I thought I was pretty clear on the matter. I think she was anxious to appease me (or perhaps to stop me from being an hysterical mess), and so she seemed to be on board with my refusal to teach Charlie. He wasn't to come back to me. It was such a relief to finally feel as if my concerns were being heard; to think that FINALLY the one student that I constantly struggled with was going to be taken off my hands.

However, this week I seem to be getting another message from her. On Tuesday, the first day I teach the group in the week, I saw him lingering in the hall outside my lesson. I avoided eye contact with him at first, hoping that if he noticed me ignoring him he'd catch the hint and not bother trying to come in. He made a few moves to enter the room, but when I turned to face the door he would scurry back, as if my gaze was going to liquefy him. I wish it would do.

Anyways, he did this dance a few times, and it wasn't until I sat at my desk to do the register that he managed to slip in. I noticed right away, and wasn't sure what to do. I felt myself instantly stiffen. His very presence is enough to invoke a physical reaction from me now, that is the kind of effect this kid has on me. If we were animals in the wild, the hair on the back of my neck would stand up and I would instinctively bare my teeth at him. The saddest part of that admission is the fact that it would be a defensive move, and not an offensive one; I am more afraid of him than anything. It's a hard fear to explain too, because it's not a fear for my physical safety, it is a fear for my mental stability. The constant struggle that I have with this kid has triggered an instantaneous reaction in me; I stiffen in anticipation of the ensuing battle, which is a battle I know I cannot win.

I realise that it sounds ludicrous that a child of that age should be able to control me, but then you really don't understand the situation (or the child). Charlie is the most manipulative child I have ever met in my life. He is, by no means, a dullard. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is clever. His survival instincts are superb. He can make all the right noises, when faced with authoritative people. In fact, the second Department Head had the pleasure of encountering Charlie today, and commented to me that he was 'delightful' and a very charming boy.

Ah yes, that'd be him. He can charm the pants off a lesbian, if necessary; make them regret the day they gave up his kind. He's that good. But I know who he is. I see him for what he truly is; a power-hungry, chauvinistic little prat. I doubt highly that his skills work on males half as well as they work on females. He is a very attractive guy, and his smile and demeanor can assume that of a needy, impressionable young lad. He can make you feel as if you're soley in control; as if he's cowed to your every wish. To most women, having a good looking guy act this way can FEEL very empowering. To older women it may trigger the mothering instinct. To me, it has no effect. I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to play up to his sex, and it disgusts me. He disgusts me. I cannot look at this kid without a shiver going down my spine; and it is NOT the good kind. He scares me.

His power of manipulation scares me. He is a very clever and bad boy. He could do a lot of bad, if he put his mind to it. And get away with it.

But I digress.

He slinked back into my lesson on Tuesday, and I was stuck with what to do. I wasn't sure if I should send him out, or if I should let him stay. I fretted over the possibility of sending him out and then catching flack from the Department Head for doing something unnecessary. Therefore I chose to ignore him. I let him be there, but I made a rather large effort to show I was ignoring him. I didn't look remotely near where he was sitting, and avoided him at all costs.

It seems like a lot of effort, but really it was not.

As class progressed, he seemed to be making a very conscious effort to avoid me nearly as much as I was avoiding him. I split the class into groups, and sent a few groups into the hall to work. He cleverly joined one of the groups I sent out, and I wasn't about to argue with him about it. I let him go.

At one point I had to poke my head out, as he was starting to kick off in the hallway. I glared at him, and hissed 'Charlie, if you are going to be here today then I don't want to see you or hear you, at any point. Should you draw my attention again, you're out of here. I don't even WANT you to be here...'

He stared at me, blankly, but I could sense a bit of fear in him. He didn't' reply verbally, but he averted his eyes after a moment, which for the first time made me feel in control. I left them to their devices.

The rest of the lesson went off without cause. They all left with the bell.

Soon after, the Department Head came into my room. She asked me where Charlie had been that lesson, and I told her he had been with me. She seemed shocked, and informed me that she'd personally told him not to come to my lesson this week. I wish she had told ME that, as it would have made things a lot easier. I told her that I had been unsure about what to do, but that I had let him in with very little event. She told me that, should he show up the rest of the week, I was merely to send him out without a thought.

"He knows he's not meant to be here the rest of this week, at the very least. We'll see from there," she said.

I stared at her a moment, and a huge part of me wanted to question her on 'this week, at the very least'. My intentions were, and are, never to teach this kid again. On a personal level I hate him. On a professional level I cannot teach him. There is no way I am going to ever allow him back in. He causes me far too much grief, and it is a stress I could do without. Unsafe work environment. That is what I am going to argue, at least.

Instead, I didn't say anything. I just nodded at her, and inwardly started to fume about the whole thing. Funny what a week can do. Apparently my issues, my concerns, were only important at the time. A weeks on, and things appeared to be back to normal.

Only they are not.

I don't want him back with me. Ever. On a personal level, it's not fair. He makes me miserable, because he treats me like shit. No one should have to work in that kind of environment. I certainly won't.

So I am going to stick to my guns, and flat-out refuse to teach him. He cannot come back into my lesson. I will not allow it. I don't care how much flack I take over this; I will not back down. He has had his chances with me, and he blew it. No more.

So long, Charlie.

Other than him, things appear to be going really well. I finally feel as if I'm at a good place with all my classes. I feel as if the respect is finally there. It is a shame I will be leaving the groups at the end of the year. I will miss them. I will also regret having spent all that time to gain their trust and confidence, only to have to start again with new groups.

I am, however, going to try to stay at the school, I think. There is likely a Geography job coming up for next year, if people do what I think they are going to do. I may try to apply for that. It would be nice to work at the school, in another department (and a really good one, at that). I will apply to the post should it come up. In the meantime, I am actively looking for work in the area. I think, in this credit crunch world, it would be stupid of me to give up on England entirely. I wouldn't be able to find work back home; at least, I doubt it. As such, it would be much smarter of me to try to work here, where there is still a demand.

I'm going to go where the jobs are, at any rate.

Besides, England is starting to really grow on me. I also haven't travelled nearly enough; there is a big world out there that I want to see, and I've hardly seen any of it. I haven't even been to mainland Europe yet, and it is not far away at all. That is definitely next on my list.

Wish me luck, at any rate.

I think I may need it.

I seem to be chasing so many dreams, and stumbling through most of them. My feet hurt, for want of achieving them.

I should try to chase something else, but I can't think of anything else that's worth it.

So I'll keep running, keep trying to get what I think is rightfully mine.

Cheers.