On Wondering What It Is I've Done

Alright, so for a number of years now I've had a bit of an issue with Tillsonburg. I can't put my finger on what the problem is, but it is something that has bothered me for quite some time. Other people have even commented on the issue, saying that the circumstances are bizarre. I can do nothing but agree, and shake my head in wonder.

The issue at hand is the way my fellow Tillsonburgians - Tillsonburgers? I'm not entirely sure what the correct title would even be - react to my presence, and their subsequent interaction (or lack thereof) with me.

In a previous blog I had mentioned my experiences with being bullied in this town. Again, the cause and continuation of that treatment is a mystery to me. However, I'm starting to wonder if anyone in this town actually likes me; anyone in my year group, that is. Every time I come home I am met with veiled hostility. I feel as if people are very reluctant to talk to me. I'm not sure why that is, but it's very strange indeed.

The weirdest thing is that if I venture outside my age bracket, or even be-friend people that are the same age as me, but did not go to High school with me, I can easily win them over. In fact, my core group of friends right now are people who are either not my age or went to a different High School. I've only now just kind of caught onto that fact, and it's making me question a lot of things.

Do I come across as bitchy to people in my year group? I'm wondering if perhaps it is my appearance that puts them off. In High School I was something of a dork. I didn't know what to do with my hair, I hid behind the security of my glasses, and I was constantly with my (stupid) boyfriend. I think perhaps I was seen as a bit of a nerd; a softy, who couldn't even intimidate a fly. As I left the school and went to University, and then teachers college, and lastly moved myself across the ocean to England, I've become more and more self aware. I've become more comfortable in my skin, and learnt how to make myself look 'attractive'. I think I am now in a pretty good place, and know exactly what I need to do to put my best face forward. I've mastered my hair, I dress relatively stylishly, and I can usually put on makeup to accentuate my eyes (which I feel is my best feature). I can look at myself in the mirror and genuinely think of myself as an attractive young woman.

I don't think that means I'm vain or anything; I can just admit that I'm not unattractive. I have self confidence now, which I lacked severely growing up. Perhaps that confidence is what puts people off. I have a feeling that may be what it is. If I'm correct in thinking that, then I really feel sorry for the people I went to High School with. The fact that they would fault someone for growing up is a bit ridiculous. Also, just because I am confident and attractive doesn't mean that, fundamentally, I've changed my personality. Ultimately I am the same person. I am still shy around new people, I still say goofy things, I am still a tad 'over the top' and loud. Being a teacher has really done a lot of good for me, because I'm now used to being in a position of power all day. I often find I take that confidence, that power, home with me. It's affected me in my every day life, but I think it is in a positive way. I am, however, ridiculously stubborn, and I hate to ask for help. In any capacity. It's a pain, and something I know I have to get over. I really do blame my Dad for that trait. :P

But anyways, if the people in this town are standoffish towards me because of some perceived snobbishness on my behalf, well, that's too bad. I am not snobby, and would love to have some conversations with them about their lives, and mine. I like to think I am a pretty down to earth girl; the girl next door, if you will. Judging someone on how they look, and how they carry themselves, is ridiculous. However, in a small town I think that appearances go a long way. When I go into the pub decked out in my stylish British clothing, I know I am automatically going to be judged as 'trying too hard', or something. The fact that I take pride in looking good, and carry myself with the assurance that I am a wonderful person is obviously intimidating and scary now, to these people with their small town mentalities. It's a shame though, that they'd distance themselves from me based on my outward appearance and demeanor alone.

They really don't know what they're missing out on. I am a great friend. I am loyal through and through, and would do anything for the people I trust. I'm also a great laugh, because I tell it like it is, and I am not afraid to make 'that' comment. Call me a loudmouth, call me attention seeking, call me whatever you like. I am a decent person, all around. If they don't want to give me that chance, then so be it. I'm here for a good time, not a long time, as it were. Isn't it sad when people will judge you for what is outside, and not what is inside? I think it's a damn shame, but sadly it is a sign of the times.

So tonight, when I go out, I'm going walk into the pub with my head held high, my shoulders back, and a smile on my face. If that's cause enough to avoid me, then watch out Tillsonburg; I'm home.