On Knowing I am NOT a Crap Teacher

So today I had a good day teaching. I had my lovely year 8s, and my bottom set year 11s. My lessons went well, and the kids don't hate me. My 8s.....I wish all my classes were like my 8s. Teaching them has really made me want to go home and get my Junior/Intermediate qualifications, because I much prefer teacher that age group right now....not so much the 9s, as they are Intermediate...but the Juniors....they're dolls. I can work on my 9s though.

Anyways...I just really wanted to get that out there...that I've realized, after a really really shit day...that I am NOT a shit teacher. I am a very good teacher. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.

I can't let them get me down, and I'll try not to in the future.

Cheers.

On Letting Staff See Me Cry

Well, I've given the story away with the title today. I cried at school. Again. The only difference between this time and all the other times is that people walked in today. I also cried more than once, in front of different people. God, I am weepy. So green. So embarrassing. Here's how it went down...

Tuesday I usually dread, because I start the day off with my year 9s. There is a staff briefing every Tuesday and Thursday, where they give us coffee. Usually I inhale a cup of super sugary brew, because I need the extra caffeine to deal with them. I sat through the meeting today, chugging my coffee, and hoping that it wouldn't go as badly as it went last week.

It started off alright. A few of the students weren't there at first, and when the kids came in they quietly got down to work. I was pretty impressed, and even commented on how pleased I was with how they'd entered the room and gotten down to business.

As I was doing the roll call, a group of fairly bad students wandered in. They were already late, so common courtesy would dictate that they SHOULD enter quietly. Instead, they stormed in, making as much noise as humanly possible.
"Sorry Miss," one of the boys said, a stupid cocky grin plastered on his face. "We got held back in form time...had to have a private conversation with our tutor. Man to man..."
"That's fine..." I said, "But if you're going to come in late, at least do so quietly"
"Yah, Jimmy (name changed, for obvious reason)...remember what we were told. Smarten up," the other boy said, sarcastically.
I glared at them until they sat down, then continued on with the lesson.

I was reading 'Lord of the Flies' aloud. I can't let the kids read it themselves, because they'd never do anything. Usually there are minor disruptions while I read, and today was no exception. Usually I roam around while reading, which is a feat in itself to do without tripping and falling, so I cruised around putting out one interruption after another.

The two boys who'd wandered in late though, could not settle down. They kept shouting each other's names out as I read. I'd go stand by one, giving my hard teacher stare between words, only to have the other one do something stupid and distracting. So then I'd have to move over there, and repeat my actions. I guess I should have removed one of them, but it's so hard to think of the right thing to do in the heat of the moment. Regardless, it was obvious to me, and to the entire class, that they were playing with me. Other boys in the class started to pick up on it, and decided they wanted in on the game. Random coughs started throughout the room. I could never figure out who was making what noise, so it was hard to stop it. I'd stop reading, stare at the clock, and wait for their silence, but as soon as I started to read again the minor irritations would begin again.

A different boy, who is always a bit of a firestarter, started to really act up. He put his hand up while I was reading, so I stopped to ask him what his question was.
"Nothing, " he said. "I'm just bored."
I felt myself getting pretty angry, but I chose to ignore his bratty comment, and plowed ahead. The girls in the room were all devotedly following along with the reading, and I didn't want to deprive them of learning, just because the boys were deciding to immature.

The distractions didn't stop though, as the boys started to really push me around. A cough would issue in one corner, followed by a fart noise in another, followed by a name being shouted in another. Finally, having had enough of this nonsense, I finished the chapter.
"Alright. Since you guys aren't going to let me read aloud, you can finish the book independently. I want everyone to turn to chapter 12, and start reading. If I hear a single peep, even one little noise, you're asking me for an after school detention," I said.
The girls all started reading instantly. The boys were hesitant. I could tell most of them didn't want to chance an after school with me.

I started to stroll around the room, to ensure everyone was reading, and instantly heard chatter from the front when I was at the back.

I whipped around, to see who it was, and low and behold, it was young Jimmy. I walked slowly towards him. He saw me the entire time, but gave me a rebellious look.
"Diary please," I demanded when I got to him.
"Why Miss?" he asked.
"You were talking. You heard what I said. Diary please."
"Oh MAN...this is bullshit. Other people were talking, but you ALWAYS pick on me. This is retarded. I hate this class. This is a crap teaching group, and you're even more of a crap teacher. We don't learn anything, and you ALWAYS pick on me and never anyone else. I hate you and I hate this class. Everyone hates it," he ranted. "This is complete bullshit."
I tried to calmly write in his planner that he had a detention with me Thursday, but my hand was shaking, because I was getting a bit upset. The entire time I was writing, he was causing a huge scene, bitching and moaning about what a "crap" teacher I was. I'm not going to lie, it was really really hard for me to not cry right then and there.

I finished writing, and then turned to face the class.
"Anyone else want to join Jimmy?" I asked.
Silence.
"Good."

I started to walk away, and instantly heard Jimmy mumbling under his breath about what a shit teacher I am, and how crappy the lessons are.
I wheeled around to face him, and gave him quite possibly the dirtiest look on the face of the planet. He gave it right back. It was 100% evident that he HATED my GUTS. I'm not sure if you've ever seen a kid look at you that way....but it's really hard to take. It crushed me a little bit, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it goes back to my being completely naive and stupid. I guess a ridiculous part of me wants to be liked. I know that's not important, and I also know it's impossible ... you can't get everyone to like you, especially not people you're supposed to have authority over. I definitely have to get over that. But I haven't yet. I'm working on it.

I stared him down though, until finally he gave up and opened his book.

Meanwhile, the firestarter boy I told you about earlier fed directly off Jimmy's behaviour, and started talking as loudly as he could to the person behind him.
I strolled over to him, and asked for his diary. Jimmy instantly started bitching again. I couldn't deal with that now though.
"WHAT?!" the other boy screamed.
"Your diary. It should already be out. Get it out now," I said, trying to stay calm.
"I don't have it," he said defiantly.
"Right, well you know the automatic response to not having your diary with you," I said, knowing he would cave.
"FINE!" he said, bending to rummage in his bag.
He pulled the diary out, throwing it on the table.
I opened it, and started writing.
"What are you writing?" he asked.
"That you have an after school with me," I said.
"WHAT?! BULLSHIT. This school is fucking anal. Every FUCKING thing I do..." he said.
"Wow. You're really heaping on the reasons today, aren't you?" I said, as I wrote more.
"Fuck you, and fuck this school. I'm NOT coming. I'm going on holiday anyways, so it's pointless to assign one," he said.
"Well, you'll just serve it after half term," I replied.
"The hell I will," he said.
"Try skipping it, and see how that turns out for you," I said.
"Fuck this, I'm out of this STUPID class. You're an asshole," he yelled at me. He threw his chair down and whipped past me and out the door.
I stared after him, unsure of what to do.
The class started to giggle.
I looked over at Jimmy, and he looked back at me, a smug grin on his face. It was like he was telling me he wasn't the ONLY one who thought I was crap.

"Keep reading," I said meekly.

They all bowed their heads, and read silently for the last 5 minutes. I wandered through the room, aimlessly, going over all the things that had JUST happened. Finally, it was time to dismiss them.

"Jimmy, I need to talk to you a moment," I said.
Everyone filed out, all of them giving me either looks of total disgust and hatred, or sympathy.
Jimmy was staring at the floor.
"Give me your diary," I said.
He started to protest, but I told him it wasn't a bad thing.
I crossed out the after school detention, and wrote in lunchtime detention.
"I shouldn't even do this, but maybe it'll serve as a warning to you. I expect way better from you. And frankly, when you say, in front of the entire class, that I'm a crap teacher....well on a personal level that's not nice. I don't like that. I'm a person too, Jimmy. That hurts."
He glanced up at me for a second, then looked back at the floor.
"I know. I'm sorry. I said it in the heat of the moment, and I shouldn't have. Ask my Mum...I do that a lot. I didn't mean it," he said.
"It doesn't matter if you meant it. You said it, people heard it, and it's rude and disrespectful to me for you to say that. It makes me look bad, and it makes you look bad. You need to control yourself...."
"Yah. Okay. Sorry Miss," he said. He was squirming. It was obvious to me he wanted to leave.
The mean part of me wanted to make him squirm some more, but instead I told him he could go....but that his mother would be hearing from me.
He shot me a worried glance, before hardening, and turning away.
"Things have to change, Jimmy," I shouted after him.

I walked around the room, pushing in chairs, collecting forgotten books. My mind was racing a million miles a minute. I kept replaying in my mind Jimmy calling me a crap teacher. The venom in his voice rebounded in my head. I walked to my desk, and collapsed into my chair. I stared at the computer monitor, my eyes starting to well up with tears. I tried to fight them back, tried to think of anything else. Anything but the fact that I was officially a crap teacher.

Louise walked into my room at that moment.
"Are you alright?" she asked, "How were they?"
"Crap," I said. "Totally awful."
"Aw, what happened?" she asked.
"I....I....." I started to say. I couldn't finish. I hid my face in my hands, and started to cry. I mean, really really cry. None of this watery eyes, emotional shit. Actual hard weeping.
"Oh my god, Krista, no! Don't let them do this to you! Don't cry!" she said. She put her books down on the nearest table, and walked over to me. She put her arms around my shoulders, and pressed her face against mine. It was actually very comforting. I haven't had someone, especially a woman, be so intimate with me in awhile. It was very motherly, and it was kinda nice. I couldn't stop crying though.

She let me cry, rubbing my back, and nuzzling my hair.
"It's alright. You can't take what they say personally. You are NOT a crap teacher. It is not your fault they are a difficult group. You're doing everything you can. And we will work to make this right. It is NOT you. Don't EVER let them tell you it's you. It's not you."
Allison walked in at this point. She saw me crying, and walked over.
"Jesus. The little shits...don't let them get to you. They are not worth it," she said.
I started to suck it up, at this point. I opened my desk to get some tissues, and started to dry my eyes.
I explained to them what had happened. Louise was indignant, and told me to talk to Leslie.
"They have to know they can't get away with bullying you, which is what they are doing," she said.
I agreed with her, and resolved to not only talk to a LOT of mothers, but to talk to Leslie too.

I did talk to Leslie, later in the day. It was between my double period with my 10s, at lunch. She came in, asking if I was alright. I don't know what it was, but the look on her face made me burst into tears again. I started to weep harder than before, as I tried to explain the story to her.

She was livid. She told me she would pull the two main boys out of class that afternoon, and exclude them from my next lesson. Then she gave me some words of wisdom, and some professional advice. I could tell she felt bad that I was crying...I felt bad too. Its horribly embarrassing to cry in front of your boss. I felt like such a rookie. I still feel like the biggest rookie on the face of the planet.

But this class...this class is getting the best of me. The worst thing is, I don't know how to fix it. I was trying, trying really hard...and I was making SOME headway....but obviously not enough.

Anyways, I just felt like shit the rest of the day. I had to try to teach my last period, after balling my eyes out to Leslie, as if nothing was wrong. I'm sure the kids could tell. You can always tell when someone's been crying...and I'd cried TWICE in the day. My eyes were a bit puffy....not very attractive.

It's just such a huge embarrassment to me. I hate being such a sensitive sap. Such an open book. I wish I could learn not to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I wonder when I will grow that hard skin that so many teachers have? Maybe by the end of the year? I can only hope.

It doesn't help that on a personal level, my life is pretty bland right now. I come home, and all I really want is someone to turn to, to talk to...and I'm met with the solitude of my own room. My roomies are nice, but they've got their own lives, and I don't factor in very high...plus the language barrier makes it a bit hard. The thing I want more than anything right now is to just rest my head on someone. A hug'd be nice. Just a hug, where I could take a deep breath, close my eyes, and forget about how crap my job can be sometimes. Just melt into nothing. And I don't just mean a dude here. It could be my Mama, or my sister, or my best girl pals. But a fellow'd be nice too.....cuz they've got nicer arms, and no boobies to get in the way of a nice lay-down. Oh how I'd fancy a snuggle. Ha ha ha!

God, I want to go home. God, I want half term to come....I need a break from my life, and Scotland will provide just that.

I need a drink.

I need a lot of things.

I need a hug most of all.

Cheers.

On Laughing at Myself

Oh dear, dear me. Ha ha ha! Do you ever get in those emo moods, where all you want to do is punch something really soft and malleable, just to feel better? I think I was definitely in one of those moods the ENTIRE weekend. I was a snarly, nasty bitch....to everyone and their mother. One of my students told me today she saw me walking down the street in St. Ives (on my way home from my horrendous night in Cambridge), and she said I looked like I had just gouged someone's eyes out...in other words, I looked very very angry. Go figure. I was. As such, I probably should have stayed AWAY from this blog...and quite possibly Facebook AND MSN...because after re-reading what I wrote....well...holy shit....anger abounds. Anger and a little bit of self pity.

Alright, heaps of self pity.

Whatever. I'd like to think that happens to the best of us. Or at least the best WOMEN out there. We're emotional weirdos, and you know it. Hormones fluctuating on a monthly basis, and all that. That is 110% my excuse. Also, booze and tiredness added to the general shittiness of my mood. Yikes. Watch the eff out.

Anyways, I am totally out of my funk today, and back in typical Krista Carson form. Ready to talk on the world, one day at a time. I'm still missing a TON of people back home...one or two more than others....and I'm still regretting SLIGHTLY my decision to come here. Again, the career reasons are all right....but on a personal level the timing couldn't have been more shit. Although, I do blame myself for that as well. I took my sweet ass time this summer, realising right from wrong. Wasted a loooooot of time. Stupid, stupid. Ah well. I figure next summer I can make up for past mistakes, and take what I should have taken ages ago.....And all that. I've likely said too much, but I doubt highly that the person in question reads this rubbish...and if they do, I'm not very ashamed to admit the truth....Though I am embarrassed JUST enough to not actually come out and say what I mean. Ha ha. Again, typical Krista Carson form.

If that person DOES read this...well shit. You should have a pretty clear idea of my intentions now, so consider yourself warned. I'm used to getting what I want, so....yah....it's basically game over for you.

Ha ha. Unless, of course, I've misread the situation AGAIN....which wouldn't be very surprising, considering I ALWAYS do. Ha ha ha ha! Ah well. One day I will get it right.

But I digress.

I leave for Scotland in a few short days. I am very very excited about this trip. I'm going with a few other teachers that came over with Dream, the stupid company that recruited me. At least two of the guys, if all goes as planned. Should be interesting. At least I know they'll protect me from Scottish weirdos...should those exist. Though I'm not sure who will protect me from these blokes, should that situation arise. Ha ha. Naw, it won't. Though...I AM pretty irresistible. My girlish good looks, and outrageous personality win over even the most skeptical of men....even if just for awhile. Ha ha ha. Jokes, jokes. I'm not full of myself, honest.

But I do intend to be a touch flirty with any Scottish honey's I may run into during my travels. The plan is to hit a lot of pubs at night...and if I go dressed to impress, with my face and bod all sexified, speaking in my.....irresistible Canadian accent (yah right!)....well I'll be the hit of the century. Mmmmmm. Gerard Butler, watch out. It's time for the return of the mack.

Jokes, jokes.

But seriously, amped for the trip.

I'm also looking forward to Friday night. A girl from work, Nima, wants to take me out on the town with her. Girls night out. I plan to look super duper sexy, and just work the ego all night. I'll be sultry and coy all night. See how many hearts I can break in an evening, perhaps. I'm good at that. I can put up an amazing front, ha ha ha. It's all in the eyes. Even though I'm probably the nicest, sweetest, un-sex kitten girl on the face of the planet. Hence why I always get s-crewed (and NOT literally, thank you. Figuratively. Remember...nice Canadian girl here).

Well...I mostly just wanted to write to let you all know that I'm fine and dandy. Back to being my confident and strong self. Ain't nobody going to keep me down. I'm a damn fine lady, and fuck you if you don't know it!!

Cheers, my darlings.

On Hating My Life

Well, when I last posted, on Tuesday, I was on my way to having a pretty shit week. Turns out that I wasn't even close to thinking how shit it could get. Wednesday was alright, as it was the trip to the Think Tank. Thursday was pretty tough, and Friday was a shit storm. All of my classes were like hyperactive, yet uninterested twats. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to go, and the students were pushing me around like never before. After last period, I sat at my desk and just wallowed in how awful the day had went. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry. I did. Then people started to wander in (which never happens), so I had to suck it up and try to appear alright. I doubt that worked well, since I've never been good at hiding my feelings. Like a goddamn open book. I wish I wasn't, because there's nothing I hate more than people's pity. I got a lot of that Friday...and it makes me want to be sick. Don't feel sorry for me. Everything that goes wrong in my life is my own fault. I make my own choices, and the fact of the matter is most of those choices are the wrong ones. I am notorious for being a stupid, stupid, naive girl. Very naive. I believe everything people tell me...and then wonder why I'm always getting hurt. People lie. I should know that by now....

Sometimes I really wish I'd never made the decision to come here. I get that it will be good for my career...that I did it for that reason alone. But there are so many personal reasons why I shouldn't have come. I'm a strong person, but only up to a certain degree. I don't know how much longer I can put up this front. I'm not happy here, and I haven't been in awhile. I thought maybe I was starting to enjoy it...but no...I was kidding myself. When it comes right down to it, when something goes wrong, and I need someone to talk to, I've got no one. I miss my family, and I miss my friends, and I miss....a lot. And when I think about what I COULD have had, if I had stayed...well it's frustrating. I'm very tempted to book a last minute flight home for half term....but I think that'd just make life a lot harder...cuz I wouldn't want to come back. I'd spend time with the people I miss, and realize that this isn't worth it. As it stands, I think my best bet is to throw myself into this last week, go to Scotland, and try to just forget how much I miss home. I dunno......I'm so fucking mad right now. Mostly at myself though.... but that will pass.

Anyways, I was just listenin to a song by The Script, and was like "damn, this song describes me to a T".....so I'll leave you with that, while I go sulk some more.

Cheers.

Don’t keep yourself away
Don’t live your life that way
Of course he’s gonna say anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came now you got yourself to blame

Don’t put yourself back in the fire again
It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you make
You do it over and over again

So before they bring you down
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down

Oh, please don’t be so naive
Don’t wait ‘till your heart bleeds
Love wasn’t built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin’ with your head, tryin to get you into bed
And in the morning you’ll just hate yourself

It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it’s the same mistakes that I’m watching you make
You do it over and over again

So before they bring you down
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down

And you give until there’s nothing to give
Until there’s nothing to give
Until there’s nothing to give

Before they bring you down
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for everything
Fall for anything
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything
You’ve gotta stand for something or you’ll fall for anything
Fall for anything

Before they break you down, down, down
Cause girl they’ll bring you down, down, down
Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down
Cause they’ll bring you down, down, down

On Not Posting In Awhile

Geez! It's been awhile since I've posted, eh? One would assume, with the lack of posting that I've been doing, that I'm a busy little beaver (like the Canadian connotation there? I do)! Well, you'd be dead on! I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past little while. Mostly, I've been attending meeting after meeting after meeting, much to my discomfort (and physical pain, in some instances). In case you were wondering, the physical pain mostly came from wearing heels for a twelve hour day...but you could also factor in uncomfortable seating at uncomfortable meetings as well.

Anyways, I could bore you by going into detail about what I've been up to the past week and a bit, but I will spare you. I will give you a brief update, and then continue with today's issues (and yes, there are issues to discuss...it's been a rough week, and it's only Tuesday).

So....let me think back. Last week was the Open Evening. Basically, the school competes with a bunch of other secondary schools in the county/area, to get parents to send their children there. Competition is apparently pretty stiff, so they really try hard to impress. Interested parents of children currently in year 6 come out for the evening, get schmoozed by the Head Teacher, wander the building with preppy student guides, and watch entertaining presentations put on by the staff. Myself, I got tricked into helping run a giant game of scrabble. It was....interesting, to say the least. Just building the damn thing proved to be a challenge and a half. The string we were given to "map it out" was bloody awful, and the tape in which to stick it down was worse. It just would not stay. Rachel and I kept having to slap it down, as hard as we could, and it almost always bounded back. Eventually, we went to the Science department to get more string, and were magically given a much BETTER, and more co-operative, bundle of string. We ripped out the shit we had laying, and re-did the board with our new magically co-operative string. Then we went about setting out the board pieces, and arranging the letter tiles into piles of seven.

After we had the board set up, we had some time to kill. I wandered into the Orwell Office, and found a bunch of women cutting and pasting book photos and blurbs onto coloured paper. A new display was being constructed, and they asked for my help. I glady did so. I am rather glad I did, because it turned out to be quite funny! Ann, the second head of English, proved herself to be a very funny lady! She had us rolling on the floor laughing. Literally. Putting up the display proved to be a continuation of the good time. Before we knew it, however, it was time to get down to business.

Showtime (and I aptly call it that) approached, and I settled into "Game show host" mood. As children and their parents entered the room, I bombarded them with words of encouragement, trying to entice them into playing the game. A few refused, shyly hiding behind their parents, but most were quite eager to play. In fact, I quickly found that the parents were highly competitive, wanting their kids to get the best score etc. It was a bit daunting, to be honest! I felt bad for a few of the kids, whose parents really pushed them to find "better" words, or to exploit the letters they had. A bit weird to see, that's for sure.

No major problems arose. I met a few of my students parents, as they came in with their younger siblings. It was nice to put faces to names. I had a feeling some of them were rather shocked at my appearance though; I'm not sure if it's my age, or my nose ring, or what, but a few seemed a bit surprised to realize I was "the Miss Carson". "The" indeed. Legendary.

Anyways, the night went off alright. We didn't leave the building until around 9 though, which was a tad horrifying, considering I am there at ten to 8 every day. Ugh. Long long day. Rachel and I ended up joining the Geography boys (who are an hilarious and jovial bunch) for a pint in Fenstanton before going to bed. I slept well that night.

Not a whole lot worth writing about happened between then and now. Aside from the weekend, which started off slow (I went to bed early Friday night), and then ended up being probably the best weekend I've had here so far! I just had a wicked fun time, going out, seeing people, having some drinks, and sharing more than a few laughs.

Coming off that weekend, I was really hoping to have a good week. In fact, I kept thinking this week was going to be GREAT, because I have a nice break in the middle (a trip to Birmingham with the Science department on Wednesday). However, it's now only Tuesday, and I already want to shoot myself in the head.

You see, last week the year 9 reports went home. As you should be aware, my year 9 class is a total terror. They constantly push me, and make me question my desire, if not my ABILITY, to teach. In an effort to "shock" them into realizing I mean business, I wasn't exactly nice when I assessed them. In fact, I was tough as nails. I gave a lot of people really crap marks. In my defence, they totally deserved them. Their attitude towards learning (ATL) was total rubbish, and they're kidding themselves if they think otherwise. So I was brutally honest in my reporting, and I think the marks were indeed "shocking" to a number of students.

Yesterday, Leslie came to me at the end of the day, to let me know that three of my year 9 girls had come to see her about the grades I'd given then. I instantly knew exactly who the girls were. When I listed the names to Leslie, she nodded.
"I'm not going to apologize for the grades," I said. "They deserved them."
"I'm not asking you to apologize. I have no doubts they deserved them. I just wanted you to be aware that there is some discontent out there," she said. She smiled at me constantly, so I could tell she was trying not to seem threatening. It was clear she didn't want to scare me, or make me feel that I had been at fault.
We had a rather frank talk about what the problem was. She told me these girls had requested a class change. My heart sunk.
"Here we go," I thought, "My teaching ability is suddenly thrown into question because three stuck up girls are pissed I called them on their own laziness and stupidity".
However, Leslie tried to explain to me that my teaching wasn't being questioned, and that she understood I had a tough "group of characters".
We decided to allow someone to come observe the class in action, this Thursday, to try and figure out strategies. We also are going to work on picking ONE person, one truly disruptive person, to move out of the class. I can think of a few I wouldn't mind giving the ol' heave ho - but that'd be a cheap solution. One I can deal with. I have an idea of who I want switched out, but that too might be TOO easy. We'll leave it up to the moderator.
With that in the process of being resolved, I rested easy Monday night.

Today, I had my year 9s first period. As the students started their slow shuffle into the room, there were murmurs of discontent. This was the first period that I'd had with them, since the reports went home.
"Miss, why did I get a lever 3?" I heard.
Not looking up to acknowledge the speaker, I said, "If you want to discuss grades with me, see me after class."
"Miss, why did I get a level TWO?!" I heard a high pitched, and extremely whiny girl ask.
I turned, looked over her head at the clock, and said, "Come see me after class, to discuss your mark."
She huffed at me, and refused to move.
"No. I don't deserve this mark. My mum is going to go bananas when she sees this..." she started.
"Sit down. This is not the appropriate place to discuss this," I said calmly to her.
She scowled at me, then marked to her seat. The entire way there she was bitching and complain about how she'd been given an "unfair" mark.
I rolled my eyes.
Instantly, comments started being hurled around the room.
"Yah, well I got a 3."
"HE got a 3?!? THATS NOT FAIR!"
"Oh yah, well I got a two as well. I've NEVER got a two before...."
I could feel myself losing them, so I shouted at them to do the Word Challenge on the board, and to stop talking about grades.
"If you want to talk about grades, do so individually after class with me," I said.
I was met with grumbles. The hatred for me was very evident, throughout the entire classroom.
Bubbles of discontent quickly surfaced again, and before I could stop it, I was being bombarded with comments about how "unfair" I was, and how "we haven't done anything to warrant these marks".
The worst, however, was when one of the girls smugly shouted, "Yah, well I'M SWITCHING ENGLISH CLASSES!"
The rest of the class turned to look at her. She smiled, smug at having won the entire class over for the moment.
Eruptions of agreement spilled forth.
Devastated at the mob mentality that was being directed at me, I felt myself wilt a little. I must admit, I started to doubt my abilities to teach very much. With 28 eyes turned to me, watching for my next move, I knew that now was not the time to collapse.
Instead, I threw my shoulders back and calmly said, "No one will be switching classes. You can't run away from your problems that easily. If you got a bad mark, it's the mark you deserved to get. I don't give good or bad marks. You earn them."
This shut them up for a moment, as they pondered the meaning of what I'd said.
A few rumbles started up at the back, but with a cold stare, I quickly quieted those.
I prompted them back to the Word Challenge, and tried to carry on with the lesson.

We headed to the PC lab for the majority of the class, and kids seemed to be working fairly well.
There was still some animosity amongst some of the girls, but I tried to brush it off with a firm but fair touch. I felt the end of the period went relatively well, and I tried very hard not to let their stinging criticism of my teaching at the start of the lesson get to me. However, at the end, I was given a rather sound slap on the face, by one of the quieter girls in my class.

All the other students had left the room in a noisy mass of swirling chaos. This last girl was slowly and deliberately putting her books into her bag. As she walked past me on her way to the door, she half turned and said, "I'm going to get out of this class."
"Excuse me? Why?" I asked, genuinely shocked.
"Because I can't work with the people in this class. We never get anything done," she said coldly.
"Yes we do," I said. "And besides, if anyone moves, it won't be you...."
"We'll see about that," she said, haughtily, as she strolled out the door.

I stared looking after her for a good thirty seconds. Maybe it was a culmination of everyone else's badgering, or maybe it was something else...whatever it was, her comments to me, seemingly out of the blue (I'd given her a decent mark), struck me harder than anyone elses.

I could understand the "bad" ones wanting out. Students like that will never take responsibility for their actions. They will always blame someone else for their shortcomings. The easiest person to blame right now is me, and so they are. I can deal wit that. I can brush that off. But to have one of the "good" ones slam me....well that was something else entirely. It really made me question my own abilities. Can I handle this class? Is it THAT bad?! Some days I think it is, and others I don't. I do take responsibility for some of the things that happen (or fail to happen) in my class...but I refuse to take responsibility for everything. If you get a bad mix of kids, it's really hard to get them to perform the way you want them to. At least, it is when you are as green a teacher as me. I will always admit to my shortcomings, and my "newbness" is a very large one. I often have no idea what I am doing, and find that usually my instincts are right. However, with this class, I feel like it's hit and miss. They don't trust me. They don't respect me. They plain don't like me. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get them to be the class I KNOW they can be. It's very frustrating.

I can only hope that the monitoring I get on Thursday will help me figure out what to do. I'd hate to think that I'm failing at teaching....but right now, it sometimes feels that way (at least with this ONE class).

That said, it IS only one of my six classes. I don't think I am doing bad with my other classes at all. It is just my 9s that are totally out of control, and I have no idea how to rein them in. But I'm willing and able to learn.

But anyways...I really don't want to bitch and moan all the time in here. That was never my intention.

Tomorrow I am going with the year 9s (the entire year) to Birmingham, to what is called the "Think Tank". It's some sort of science museum, or something, if I understand all the e-mails right. I am mighty excited to be able to visit a new part of England "on the company dime".

More to come on that later though. Counting down the days till the weekend!! (Which should, if all predictions come true, be even better than the last).

Cheers!

On Nothing In Particular

I'm procrastinating....I have my first review tomorrow afternoon, and frankly I am nervous as hell. That said, I made a purchase last week (via Amazon.co.uk), and recieved a rather helpful book Saturday morning. It's Fred Jones' book "Tools for Teaching". I was told by a teacher at CASS to purchase it last year, and never got around to it. After my struggles with classroom managment last week though, I thought it would be in my best interest to find it. So I got a copy, and started reading through it yesterday. It's actually quite good. Again, its more of that "common sense" junk, that once you read once, you realize "No shit...that WOULD work". I am going to try to put some of the tips in effect for tomorrow, and hope for the best.

Mostly, the book talks about being a "natural" teacher; how some people have the gift, and others have to work for it. I like to think I'm somewhere in the middle. I do have the instincts necessary to teach, but my "green-ness" sometimes shows through when I doubt my own game-time decisions. Reading the book has let me see that my initial thoughts are usually right. So I'm going to give that a try. Fingers are crossed this week is better than the last. If I go in with the right attitude it should be fine though.

That said, I wish it was the weekend again. I need more "me" time than two days. *sigh*

I need a LOT of things, actually, but we won't go there. Ha ha ha.

Cheers.

On Trying To Confuse You (and Me)

I was "this" close to spilling a major can of beans in here tonight. However, I wised up, and realized it's best for me to take the high road, and let people move on with their lives. I've been grasping at straws for awhile now (or at least, it sometimes feels that way), and I've started to think that maybe it's about time I stopped. It won't be easy, if I decide to do it, but I think maybe it's the right thing to do. Then again, I don't know. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing. You know how sometimes people say you just "know" about certain things? How some things happen easily for a reason? It all falls into place? Part of me wants to just trust that feeling, and keep doing what I was doing. Another part of me thinks it's a bit futile, and insanely naive, and it's expecting a LOT. Not just from myself, but from other people too. Then again, I know what I'm willing to do...and it doesn't bother me. I can't really know what other people are thinking though...and there lies the rub. Maybe if I wasn't such a pussy, I could be more vocal about this. But again, I've never been one to verbalize when I need help. I'm a stubborn old soul, who refuses to let people see the weaker side of me. I've got a persona to uphold, after all! (Actually, who am I kidding? Everyone knows me as the soft, sweet, big mouthed girl from Tillsonburg...no bad ass persona here). Do you fight the feeling, or do you let yourself be caught up in it? I don't think there's an answer for that question. It's like asking what came first; the chicken or the egg. Or whatever else people say. Bah. THIS IS SO HARD! I know what I want, and I know what it takes to get it, but it takes a lot; A lot of different things, from different avenues of my being. Nothing I can't afford though...now, then, before, whenever. I know I'm talking in circles here, and being ridiculously vague. Obviously I'm doing that for a reason. I don't really want people to (mis)interpret my meaning. Or at least, certain people. Or persons. Or person. Whatever. Decipher what you will from that.

It doesn't really matter what I decide here, or anywhere else. I can say all I want that I'll try to quit this thing, but it won't happen. It's like that Rihanna song....I'd have to check into rehab for it, and it just wouldn't work. I'm irrevocably hooked, no matter how hard I try to disengage myself.

Oh, and case you were starting to get worried. It's not drugs. Unless you count alcohol, in which case, yes, it's drugs. (I'm joking).

On Feeling Like Absolute Shit

So today was quite possibly the worst day of my entire life. I don't feel like rehashing the details right now, because it will just make me upset, but I will anyways. Long story short, I ended up being very very stern with my lower ability year 11s today, for constantly "taking the mick out of me". In other words, they've been pushing my buttons for five weeks now, and I've had enough. I've been trying SO hard with this group, and getting mediocre results back. I even changed the seating plan of my room, which affects EVERY OTHER class I have, in order to better accommodate these kids. I have a large central table, that I have the 16 students sit around. I then work with them on THEIR level, talking them through tasks, and getting them to do it as a group. If I left them to do the tasks individually, only a few of the slightly higher ability ones would complete it. The others would need constant supervision. This way, I can supervise them all, and get the work done. Well....today, I had a group of girls refuse to join the table. They wanted to work on their own. I said that was fine, as long as they stayed on top of the work, and weren't off task.

Well, I quickly noticed that they were not talking about the poetry I had assigned. Far from it. I called them on their behaviour, only to meet rolled eyes and sighs. I told them they should join the main table again, to stay on task, but they refused. Not wanting to ruin the learning the others were doing, I set back to the task at hand.

Again, their talking caught my attention, and again I chastised them. This time they started to argue back, saying that they were trying to listen to me, but the talking of some boys at my table was preventing them from hearing. They said I was being unfair, picking on them for talking, when people at my table were talking too. I told them I wasn't being unfair, and if they wanted to hear what I was saying, they should join the table.

They then launched into a tirade about how I was "alienating" them from the lesson, by not including them. I calmly stated back that they had CHOSEN to sit separately from the majority of the class, and that I had ENTRUSTED them to stay on task as a result.

"Maybe it's best if you move over here," I said.
"NO!" they shouted back at me. "We're fine here, just make everyone else stop talking, not just us."
The guys at the main table started to argue back at this point, and soon it was a shouting match between the group at the main table, and these girls off to the side. I tried to interject, but to no avail. They either couldn't hear me over their own shouting, or they chose not to. I sat there, dumbfounded for a moment, staring at the TA. She looked helplessly at me.

Then I stood up.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I shouted.
"I've had ENOUGH of this! I am NOT going to let this class get out of control ANYMORE! This is absolutely CHAOTIC! There is NO reason for this! I am so sick of you guys constantly talking, arguing, fighting, and NOT DOING THE WORK. I'm TRYING to help you do this! I am TRYING to make sure that you all have a solid grasp over this content! You CANNOT hope to get a passing mark on the coursework, if you constantly talk over me, and shout at each other!"
One of the girls opened her mouth, to say something back at me. Her eyes flashed angrily at me.
"NO! Don't say anything. I don't want to hear you say ANYTHING right now. I'm talking, and I'm sick of you all trying to talk over me. This is MY classroom, not yours."
One of the boys at my table snickered. This caused the three girls to the side to snicker as well.
I stared at them, steely eyed.
"I fail to see what is so funny. This is your future. If you want to sabatoge it, that's pretty damn pathetic," I said, the anger dripping heavily from my voice.

The boys at my table stared at me, their mouths hanging open. They'd never seen me angry before. I think they thought I was a bit of a pushover. Part of the problem, I suppose.

The girls, however, were not impressed. They saw my anger as a call to arms. They started to shout back, saying I was "unfairly" picking on them, and that I was alienating them from learning by allowing others to talk, but not them. Again they tried to say that I forced them away from the main group. I rolled my eyes at them, ready to defend myself, but deciding against it.
"I'm not going to argue with you. I don't have to," I said.

At this point, the TA piped in, saying that I had, in fact, invited them repeatedly to join us, but that they'd refused. She said I couldn't drag them to the table. She was right. I couldn't...though next lesson I will.

Again, I had to strongly reiterate the fact that THEY had chosen to exclude THEMSELVES, and that I couldn't be expected to MAKE them want to learn. I took all the blame they were placing on me, and put it squarely on their shoulders, where it rightfully belonged. My voice remained calm and cold, collected to a T. Inside, I was shaking though. Shaking with anger and pent up resentment, not just at the girls in particular,but at everyone in the class. Everyone who was constantly pushing my buttons, seeing how far they could go.

At this point one of the girls, the most vocal one, stood up.
"I WON'T work in here with YOU," she spat at me.
I stared at her, not saying a word. I don't know how I looked, but I felt utterly and totally bad ass; I hope my face projected my own apathy back at her. She stormed out, saying she was going to her House Office.

The TA looked at me, and I sat, unmoving. Every head in the classroom was turned to me, expectantly. I simply sat there, staring at the remaining two girls, daring them to get up and do the same.
"Do you want me to go after her?" she asked.
"Yes please," I said, calmly.
"You can't use this as an excuse to get out of a lesson..." the TA mumbled under her breath as she walked out of the room.
No one watched her go. Everyone remained fixated on me.
I picked up the poem we were working on, and continued on with it. I've never heard my voice sound so hollow and cold before. It was eerie even to me.
The students were quiet, not saying a word. I asked a question. Repeated it. Finally one of the girls at the main table answered, and some sort of normalcy returned.
When the TA returned, she shrugged at me, and went over to talk to the remaining two girls off to the side. I plowed on with my poem.
I didn't notice until the end of class that one of the girls had started to cry, while talking to the TA. When everyone had cleared the room, I approached her, and asked her what had happened.
"I think they weren't used to you pushing back. I think it shocked them. You put them in their place, and ruined their argument, and the only thing they had left to do was cry," she said.
"I don't think I did anything wrong..." I said, rather sheepishly.
"Oh no, you didn't," she said. "In fact, I don't know HOW you managed to stay so calm and collected. I mean, you were angry, that was obvious, but... it wasn't out of control. It was poised..."
"I don't know what to do to make these kids do the work..." I said.
"Honestly, you're doing more than I've seen anyone else do with them. I think the seating arrangement is ingenious. It works. These kids need someone on them, all the time."
She suggested that I re-arrange the boys in the class, to break up their ability to talk. I agreed.
Tomorrow I have the class again, and I'm going to try out the new arrangement. We'll see if it helps. I'm also going to demand that everyone sit at the main tables with me and the TA. We're going to get through this together, or not at all.

Still, once the TA left the room, I felt everything from the period rush back at me. The raw emotion of the girls, the awkwardness from the rest of the class, my own frustration and anger, everything. I sat in my desk, put my head in my hands, and cried for a good 5 minutes. I am so glad no one walked in. I had my door wide open, and it was entirely possible. If anyone had seen me looking like that, I don't know what I would have done. Likely they would have asked what was wrong, and I would have then broken down into a sobbing, sniffling mess. I don't want anyone in the department to see me cry....I am already afraid that they think I'm "green". Crying would only add to the pile of things that are potentially wrong with me.

I wiped my face dry with my scarf, and spent the rest of my free period trying to compose myself enough for the staff meeting that followed after school. It wasn't easy, but I think I managed it.

Regardless, I am still left feeling like shit. I can't concentrate enough tonight to plan, or do anything productive. Luckily for me, Heroes is on in twenty minutes, and I can watch that, veg out, and then go to bed.

My fingers are crossed that tomorrow brings a better day. If it's another bad one, like the last few........well.....lord help me....