On Being Two People

So Trevor and Matty have left today, after what was a pretty great week (in my opinion), especially considering the fact that Trevor was sick the majority of the trip. It was really hard for me to say goodbye, and I must admit that I forced them to leave because I knew that if we prolonged it any more I was going to become an embarrassingly weepy mess. It took every fibre of my being not to erupt into uncontrollable sobbing (although, that didn't work the previous day, when I made the boys miss their original flight, and burst into a steady stream of intense weeping in front of the Air Canada desk). I couldn't even look back when I was walking away, because I knew I'd just do something stupid like run back and blubber like an insane person. I had to tell my feet to take every step, because I couldn't bear the thought of standing there and watching them wait in line to go through security. I just kept walking, crying in the terminal, and likely looking like a complete weirdo.

I also shed a few tears in the coach bus back home. It wasn't just crying over their being gone (though I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it), it had a lot to do with the feeling of sheer loneliness that overwhelmed me. It hit me even harder when I arrived in St Ives and was making the walk back to my house. Throughout the week, the boys and I had made that journey a number of times, and it was really nice to have them to walk and talk with. We sang songs, told jokes and poked fun at each other most of the time. I had a hand to hold, and two awesome men to just be myself with. Walking home alone, I realized that it's little things like that that really mean so much to me. Walking home I suddenly understood what it is about being in England that truly upsets me more than anything; Loneliness.

Isolation and loneliness.

I started to wonder, as I was walking home, who my true friends were. Trevor and Matty, they are true friends (and in one case, something a little more). They came to England to see me, for Christs sake. I'm going to be forever grateful that they did, and it really shows me a lot about what kind of people they are, and what they mean to me. I have a bunch of other true friends back in Canada too; Sheena, Ethan, Holly, Rachelle, Andrea, Christine, Steph, Meaghan, Kayla, Nick... these are people I could call up in a bind, and they'd be there for me 100%. I honestly don't think there is a single person I would be comfortable enough to call here in England. If I were to break a bone walking home, I would seriously have to consider what to do. I certainly wouldn't call my room mates, because I don't think they give a rats ass about me. I wouldn't call the people that I work with, because I think that to them all I am is a co-worker...I'd like to consider some of them my friends, but I'm not really sure where I stand with the; it's really hard to gauge here. People aren't as friendly as back home.

I honestly don't feel like I have any friends here that I can be myself with. I am two people in England; I am Miss Krista Carson, the teacher, and I am Krista Carson the girl. Miss Carson puts on a front all day at work, trying to be happy and cheerful about teaching and about life, while the real Krista Carson just wants to give up and go back to the place that makes her happy; Canada. The girl in me, the real Krista Carson, rarely gets to come out though. I rarely get to be comfortable in my own skin, and when I am, I am almost always alone. I spend more time at work than I do in my own life, and it is starting to really bother me. The worst thing is, it would be alright if the time I spent in my life wasn't spent alone. Walking home this afternoon made me realize that what I crave more than anything in the world is to be social; specifically, to be social with the people that I love. All of the people I've mentioned so far I love. My parents are also included, obviously. I miss them a lot too. I miss being in my house. I think that's partially why Christmas was so special for me; I got to be in my house, the one place in the entire world where I can be myself. It's also the one place where I will never, ever, be truly alone. I could pick up my cell phone and someone would be willing to hang out with me in a heartbeat. Or, failing that, I could find Gabriel and snuggle with him, or take Lex for a walk. Just being in Tillsonburg itself is something great for me. It's my home, and I miss it terribly.

A lot of people who are 'stuck' in Tillsonburg now, they don't really realize how great they have it. It's so easy to dislike it, when you haven't really had to go without. Sure, it's not a big city, and it doesn't have a wide selection of things to do. But in all honesty, what else would you WANT to do? I enjoy nothing more than sitting on my back patio, on a warm summers night, sipping drinks and just making small talk with my friends. That is truly my idea of a great night. It's nights like that that made my summer so amazing, last year. It's nights like that that made my trip home at Christmas so amazing. Being with the people who I am truly comfortable with, who I am at home with, is all that I want from life. Apparently I am a simple being.

That's why being here is increasingly starting to break me down. As much as I loved having Trevor and Matt come visit, a part of me wishes they hadn't come at all, because their absence is only increasing my own awareness of how miserable I am. I am profoundly sad right now. Sad and alone, and wishing I was on that plane right now, headed towards the open arms of everyone I love. I was making dinner tonight, in complete silence, and I started to cry doing even just that, because it was such a stark contrast to the atmosphere that had existed all this week with Trevor and Matty around. The silence literally weighed on me, and I collapsed under its pressure.

It helps slightly to know I will be coming home in five weeks, but again that's just a temporary measure. Two weeks after arriving I will just have to head back here, and plow my way through three more months here. While the two weeks at home are going to be amazing, I worry about how hard it's going to make life here when I return.

The good (or bad, depending how you look at it) news is that I am not a quitter. I signed up for this thing, and I will see it through. It's unfortunate that I am so utterly homesick though, because as Trevor and Matty proved, being in England can be a lot of fun, if you're with the right company.

I'm sure some of you are shaking your head, thinking the best solution available to me is to get out there and make some 'true' friends. I think you may be on to something. The only problem is, I think I need to make non-work friends, and I'm not sure how I could go about doing that. I am going to try my best, because I cannot bear the thought of spending the rest of my days here alone...I want to be able to enjoy being in England, and enjoy being myself.

On Praying

I'm not a praying woman, but right now I am praying for the life of one of my year 11 students. He was in a car accident last night, which I've just found out about now. The weirdest thing was I had just had a dream, in which he was in it. Nothing nasty or anything, just that he was there... and now this. It's a bit odd, thats all.

I also found it odd that just yesterday, I was joking with him about how he needs to apply himself more in lesson and he said something along the lines of how he KNOWS he has a lot of potential in life, but its just a matter of not wanting to be so serious all the time. God. Weird how these things happen.

Here's the news report:

Teenager fights for life after horror smash

A TEENAGER is fighting for his life after a two-vehicle crash left him with critical head injuries.The 16-year-old was taken to Addenbrooke's Hospital following the accident on the Haverhill bypass near the Burton End roundabout.Police are appealing for witnesses to the collision which happened at around 9.45pm yesterday.

Two cars, a red Fiat Panda and a silver Ford Fiesta, were in collision on the A1017/A1307 roundabout leading to the Clements Estate.

The teenage male passenger in the Fiesta was taken to Addenbrooke's Hospital after being treated by a Magpas medic airlifted in by Cambridgeshire police's helicopter.The teenager was found trapped in the car and was freed by a team of firefighters and paramedics.

He was then taken to hospital with life-threatening head injuries and he remains in a critical condition.The female drivers of both cars were also taken to Addenbrooke's with minor injuries.The road was closed with diversions overnight, and was reopened at 7.45am this morning.

Haverhill paramedic Mark Milson said: "We found the lad trapped in the car and working together managed to free him and give him treatment at the side of the road."We had crews from Bury, Haverhill and Newmarket as well as the Magpas medic. The road had a covering of water which turned to ice making it very treacherous."


Godspeed, lad. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

On Snow Days In England

The world should be laughing at England right now. In fact, I'm sure this has made international news. Why? In case you're unawares, England has been hit with the most snow in recent days in 18 years. That's more than the entire lifetime of my oldest students. And it shows. All the students, from my tiny year 8s up to my year 11s, were going absolutely bonkers this morning. All over a small dusting of the white stuff; stuff that we take for granted in Canada. It's obviously a little comical to me, a hardened Canadian, but it also has it's endearing moments.

I suppose, if I am going to tell this story right, I should start from the beginning...

My alarm woke me up yesterday morning. This in itself was a bit of a shocker, since over the past months I've learned to wake up a minute or two prior to it's going off. On rare occasions, such as that morning, it will wake me from a pleasant dream and leave me in a bit of a mood. Grumbling to myself, I turned it off and rolled out of my bed.

As I placed my feet on the floor, I could hear my room mate shuffling around in his room next to mine. He seemed to be moving quicker than usual, and I wondered what he was up to. Before I could even stand up, he hastily threw open his door and made a dash down the hallway to the bathroom. Catching on to what he was doing, I cursed him out loud.

"Son of a bitch!" I said, in my groggy morning voice.

I threw my towels on the bed, pacing back and forth, waiting to hear what he was going to do in there. He knew damn well that at 6:40, like clockwork, I went into the bathroom to have my shower. I take 15 minutes in there, and then I don't go in for the rest of the morning. Could he not have waited for my usual 15 minute shower?! Did he not realize that my morning schedule was VERY tight?

I used to get up at 6am, which then got pushed back to 6:20, and finally to 6:40 in December, when one day I slept in, and was amazed to see that I could easily get ready in time, thus allowing me an extra 20 minutes in bed. However, this extra 20 in bed meant that I had to be very aware of my time. I couldn't dilly dally, and had to follow a pretty exacting schedule; Pee, shower, brush teeth, put on clothes, blow dry hair, straighten hair, apply minimal makeup, make lunch, swallow half a bowl of cereal, and breeze out the door. I had about 50 minutes in which to accomplish all this, as Rachel comes at or around 7:30 every morning.

All this was running through my head, as I heard the toilet flush down the hall.

"He better not throw me off schedule," I seethed to myself. "He knows damn well when I leave, and that I need to shower. Why is he doing this?! He better just be peeing..."

My heart sank as I heard the shower turn on.

"What an asshole!" I cursed, picking my towels up and then throwing them down again. "I might have to call in sick, I can't get ready in time! This is RIDICULOUS!"

Pacing, I tried to decided what to do. Should I go knock on the door, and tell him I needed to shower ASAP? Or should I call in sick, and take that hit? I couldn't rationalize that plan of action though; it seemed like I was grasping at straws for an excuse to stay home. Cursing both my roomie and myself, I decided to go downstairs and make my lunch and breakfast; do things in reverse order, to salvage the morning.

I walked down the stairs in the dark, and rounded the corner into the kitchen.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I looked through the kitchen window, into the back garden.

Piles of snow blanketed everything.

My sour mood instantly lifted, and I pumped my arms in the air victoriously.

"YESSSS!" I said, gleefully.

I raced back up to my room, and grabbed my cell phone.

"Do you reckon its enough snow to cancel school?" I texted Rachel.

"Hopefully!" she replied, "I've had a shower just in case, but I've not changed"

I crawled back under my covers, a rather daring move I must admit, and laid there, my head spinning with the possibilities of a snow day. No less than a minute later my cell phone beeped at me again.

"SNOW DAY! Enjoy!" it said. It was from the Department Head.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" I said triumphantly, before pulling the blinds tight and snuggling down into bed.

I didn't get to sleep for very long though, about two hours. 9 am rolled around, and the sounds of children laughing outside woke me. I pulled the blinds to let the sun in, and smiled as I saw a large group of people gathered in the small plot of land in front of my house. Kids of all ages, along with their parents, were out in full force, rolling snowmen and having snowball fights. It was evident to me that the sight of the snow was magical for everyone, not just the young. Clearly this was a thing to be excited about. It did look lovely too, as it was much more snow that the measly bit that had dropped Monday. It made me smile, as I thought about how we truly take snow for granted back home; its become such a normal thing, such a constant disruption, that we stop to appreciate how much fun it can be!

I must admit that my appreciation for snow grew when I was home for Christmas. It snowed buttloads, and I wasn't even mad. One night, quite late, I was walking home from Trevor's, in a proper heavy snowfall (they'd call it a Blizzard here!). Being the silly girl that I am, I hadn't worn my winter boots, instead opting for a fashionable high heeled boot. The snow was so high that it was half way up my calf, clearly ruining the lovely suede of my boot; this didn't concern me much though, as I was awestruck by the winter wonderland into which I had deposited myself. I slipped and slided the entire way home, and delighted in every minute of it. At one point, my heels failed me entirely, and I went crashing into the road. No cars were about, since it was so very late, so I was perfectly alright. I let out a small scream as I fell, and braced myself for the concrete. However, the amount of snow was such that it cushioned my fall considerably. It was also so fresh, so fluffy, that it sprang up around me in light airy pieces.

I sat there, on my bum, for a second or two, and then broke out into laughter. As falling snow often does, my laughter was muffled, subdued. It only made me laugh louder, because I knew that this was a moment that only the snow and I shared; not a single soul was around to see or hear me.

I picked myself up, and slowly continued my walk home. The element of having to walk slowly in my heels really allowed me to see the true beauty of a heavy snowfall. I marvelled in it, rejoiced in it, and truly fell in love with it. It was the first time I realized that I loved snow, and that I'd missed it deeply in my absence. I went to bed that night smiling.

This memory flashed into my head as I watched the people outside enjoying the snow. Though it was a fairly small amount to me, it was a large amount to them. It was just as beautiful and joyful this morning, for them, as it was for me that night.

I spent most of the day cozy in my room, glancing out now and again to watch the progress being made on the army of snowmen outside. I would have gone out myself, but I was feeling like such a lazy ass, that I decided to stay in and read. It was a lovely day.

This morning I must admit that the first time I did, before even leaving my bed, was check outside. To my disappointment, it looked slushy, but not bad enough for school to be closed. I sighed and then got ready.

When we got into school, however, the snow started coming down again. Teachers and students alike began to feel the excitement build. A message circulated that we might be sent home early, if the snow continued to fall. My period one class, my top set 11s, came in and were a bundle of energy. I did manage to get them to work fairly productively though, until about ten minutes before class was scheduled to let out.

Then an e-mail came in. They were closing the school. I displayed the e-mail on the whiteboard, waiting for students to notice what it said.

There were cheers, laughter, and instant chaos. They started packing up. Chairs went up on top of the desk, signalling the end. I tried and tried to keep them in for the last 5 minutes, but their excitement to go play in the snow overpowered me, and let them out 5 minutes early. From my window I watched as they threw snow at each other, and laughter lit up their faces.

It was lovely.

So here I am not, sitting in my room typing this as I wait for Rachel to get her things gathered to leave. It's not even noon yet, so the entire day is ahead of me. And the weekend as well.

All because of a simple and beautiful thing like snow.

On Loving James Morrison And The Wonderful World

Lately I've been on a real James Morrison kick. Actually, I've been on a James Morrison kick ever since I downloaded his newest CD. I first got turned onto his music at Stanstead Airport in London. I was waiting for my flight to Dublin, sitting in the bar with my friends, and the bar had the television on VH1. A song came on that really caught my attention; I heard a female voice dueting with this most lovely male voice. I looked at the screen, and made a guess out loud:

"Is that Nelly Furtado?" I asked Nima, my mate.

"No way," she said, "Definitely not."

"I'm gonna watch for the credits," I said. "And who is the guy?! He's got a fabulous voice!"

"No clue," she said.

I waited and waited, enjoying the song more and more. Finally it came to a close, and I squinted up at the screen to read the credits.

"Boo yah!" I said, "I knew it was Nelly Furtado! And James Morrison...who's he? Wasn't he the lead singer of The Doors?!"

Nima laughed at me, "No clue, mate" she said.

I kept humming the tune my entire trip to Dublin, and resolved to download the CD for this James Morrison chap when I got home. I kept this promise to myself, and easily found his latest album on uTorrent. Since then I've had this love affair with James Morrison. I play the CD from start to finish all the time on my iPod, just grooving out to his melodic-yet-gritty voice. I also really dig most of his lyrics. Matching his lovey-dovey voice, his lyrics are really mushy and sentimental. However, I think that they speak a lot to me, because he sings a lot about waiting for love and junk. Clearly, if you're familiar with my situation, you can see the parallel here.

Anyways, I knew that he had a CD out before this newest one, but I had never really thought to try to download it. This weekend, however, I was listening to him serenade me and thought that I'd really enjoy hearing his earlier work. I downloaded his first CD, and he certainly hasn't disappointed. It's just as good as the first, with the same kind of soft and beautiful music. He even happens to have a title that matches my favourite tune of all time - Better Man. I was a bit skeptical of that particular tune, just because the Pearl Jam song of the same name is really wicked powerful for me. However, as it turns out, the song is quite enjoyable. It has its own thing going, and isn't at all close to the Pearl Jam Betterman, but it does something for me.

James Morrison does something for me. He's my favourite right now. I'd kill to see him in a concert!! I really hope he makes it big in the North American market. I want big things for him, because he's insanely talented, and I love talent!! With so much mass produced and mass marketed shit music out there, it's refreshing to hear such a raw voice. I saw that he was on Ellen recently, on her birthday show, which is a huge deal.

Aside from James, The Script is probably the only other musical act that I've been turned into over here that I'd really love to crack into the North American music scene. There is good news on that front as well, as Ethan told me that he saw The Script on the Sunday Early Show (CBS) this past weekend. Wicked!!!!! They're a very talented band as well.

Ah, another one would be Noah and the Whale for me. They've got a bit of a folk/funk sound to their music, but it's original, and I really dig it. I try to slowly turn people on to these artists, but it's hard. You know how people are. They're resistant to music they didn't stumble upon themselves.

I'll do my best though.

Before I leave, I thought I'd just be 'that girl' and post some lyrics from the most recent James Morrison song that I've latched onto; it just seems to speak to me and my current situation (as so many of his songs seem to do). That situation being, of course, the fact that I've been pretty down in the dumps lately on account of my shit job. Have a read through if you're bored, or stop here if you're not. Regardless, give it a download. The album is called 'Undiscovered' (2006). There are some tunes on there I know you'd recognize; I know I do. His latest album is called 'Songs for you, Truth for me' (2008), in case you were interested. Both come highly recommended by me.

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Wonderful World - by James Morrison

I've been down so low

People look at me and they know

They can tell something is wrong

Like I don't belong, well

Staring through a window

Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight

I want to be like them

But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in

And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now

Well I thought that I was doing well

But I just wanna cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it when you're here, here with me, mmm

Sometimes I feel so full of love

It just comes spilling out

It's uncomfortable to see

I give it away so easily

But if I had someone I would do anything

I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone

I won't, I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?

Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now

Well I thought that I was doing well

But I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it when you're here, here with me, mmm

And I wish that I could make it better

I'd give anything for you to call me,

Maybe just a little letter

Oh, it could start again, oh oh

Well I know that it's a wonderful world

But I can't feel it right now

Well I thought that I was doing well

But I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it when you're here, here with me, oh

And I know that it's a wonderful world

I can't feel it right now

I got all the right clothes to wear

I just want to cry now, cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world

From the sky down to the sea

But I can only see it when you're here, here with me, mmm

And I know that it's a wonderful world

When you're with me