On Being Sad

Well, I don't want to go into too much detail right now, because for some reason I fear drastically the repercussions of writing a sappy blog. I know I said previously that I would recount the tale of the horrible parent, but I still don't have the energy to do it; I will do it when I feel further removed from it, I think. What I wanted to talk about today was something more personal. However, as I lay here typing this, I am having second thoughts about that. I guess the only thing that needs to be said is that I'm feeling a bit hurt, and a bit let down; but perhaps that is my own doing. I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm going to shut my mouth and give things a few weeks to get better, and if they don't then I guess I'll have my answer.

If this all sounds bizarre and none-sensical to you, that's because it is bizarre and none-sensical.

Ugh.

On Not Backing Down

Alright, so you should know, if you aren't already aware, that I had a very rough parents evening on Wednesday of this week. I don't have the time to go into a narrative on the events right now, but rest assured that I will get it all out in the open in a few days (whenever I have an hour to kill typing it up). All that I know right now is that I'm going to take a page from Tom Petty's book: "In a world that keeps pushing me around, I won't back down".

This parent tried to push me down, and he did succeed for a few days, which is longer than it should have been. Slowly, but surely, I started to regain my confidence, and I am only stronger for the experience. I hope he feels like a big man though, because I know who he really is; a petty bully.

I'll explain the whole story in due time.

Cheers.

On Being a Lovefool

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do
to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought to stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
say that you love me
leave me, leave me
just say that you need me

I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could do have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, and pray and I beg

Love me, love me
Fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
love me, love me
pretend that you love me
leave me, leaveme
just say that you need me

So I cry, and I beg for you to

Love me, love me
Say that you love me
leave me, leave me,
Just say that you need me

I can't care about anything but you
Anything but you

Love me, love me
say that you love me
fool me, fool me
Go on and fool me
Love me, love me,
I know that you need me

I can't care about anything but you

On Being Back in England

I just thought I would quickly post, to let people know that I made it home safe and sound. The flight was faster than I had anticipated, lasting only 6 hours instead of 8. I was well pleased with that. I watched 'Marley and Me', ate the dinner they provided and then proceeded to sleep the rest of the flight. I also slept for the majority of the bus ride from Heathrow to Cambridge.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, but am slightly relieved that it is a teacher training day, and therefore I will not have to face any students. I feel far too physically drained to have to grapple with them tomorrow. Hopefully by Tuesday I will be right as rain. I'm a bit apprehensive about Wednesday though, because it is year 10 parents evening; year 10 is a pretty big year, because kids start their coursework (and at my school, we attempt to get it all out of the way by the end of the year). If kids aren't doing the work now they're going to have major problems; this is what most of the parents are coming in to see me about. They're going to grill me fairly hard, I think. I hate being interrogated. Bah. Ah well, someone once told me that parents are more afraid of you than you are of them; I doubt that, considering I look to be about 18 years old myself...There is no way a parent of a 15 year old kid is going to look at me and get the willies.

I wish I looked differently sometimes, then maybe people would take me a little more seriously. Ah well. I will just win them over with my superior intellect and masterful teaching skills.

Try not to laugh too hard.

Cheers.

On My Goodbye Message

Just a little video saying my goodbyes to my friends and family, and thanking them for making this trip home memorable. Sorry about the buzzing noise in the video, the fan on my laptop is retardedly loud, and the microphone pics everything up.

XxX

On Writing For Lack Of Better Things To Do

Ugh. I should probably be marking things right now, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I guess tomorrow afternoon I will have to pull the pile of marking out, and do as much as I can stomach tomorrow. The fact is, I can think of a million things that I would rather do. I feel so removed from my teaching life in England, right now. I feel as if I've been home for ages, even though it's only been 12 or 13 days. I'm starting to forget that I don't live here anymore; how weird is that? It's startling how easily we can fall back into what's comfortable for us. I could do this for the rest of my life; live here, live like this. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be realistic, because I haven't worked for the past two weeks. It's a bit weird.

It's almost too long of a break. I feel rusty. I feel like if I had to go teach tomorrow I would do an absolutely terrible job. I've also started to forget the fact that I am a teacher. I tell people that I meet that that's what I do, and most of the time they don't believe me. Sometimes I don't believe myself!

So tomorrow I will crack out the pile of essays I brought with me, and attempt to get my mind warmed up to the fact that I actually have to educate young children in England. I really should not have put this off so late...but what can you do. I wanted so badly to enjoy my holiday. I needed to give my mind and body a break, and I do believe I've done that. Maybe too much.

I am very sad about having to leave home, but I am also looking forward to returning. I just hope that I can find a job for September fairly soon; I worry that I've left things too late, but I certainly hope not. I am not ready to leave England yet. There is a lot to keep me there.

One thing is travel, as I've said before. Last night I went to my friend Steph's house, and we watched the film 'In Bruges'. I wasn't sure what to expect from the film, but it had Colin Farrel in it, so I wasn't going to complain. It turned out to be a really amazing film; it was edgy and funny, not to mention the fact beautiful. The characters kept joking quite a lot about Bruges (Why would anyone want to go to Bruges?!), but as the film drew on and on, I became mesmerized with the beauty of it. Watching the film in Canada, it made me recognize the old world charm, the things I can see in Cambridge (like canals, bridges, cobblestone streets, old tight-knit communities and buildings); it made me miss England. It also instilled a desire in me to go to Bruges. It looked to me like a closer version of Rome. I am also of the belief that a lot of people speak English there, which would be beneficial for me, considering I am an ignorant North American, who can only speak one language. I do plan to learn French before I am 30; we'll see if I can manage it. Anyways, Bruges was made out to be a very beautiful 'fair tale' place, so I am determined to go there.

I did some preliminary research, and found that for the days I want to go the Eurostar would be the best (and cheapest) option. I also scouted a site, recommended to me from a friend, about hostels, and found that Bruges has a bevy of pleasant looking and affordable hostels. I cannot wait for this trip. I will likely book something for sure very soon; I want to be able to securely say I am doing it.

I must admit, I find some humour in the fact that I am planning my next vacation before my current one is even over. However, in my profession you have to have something to work towards, otherwise you'd just go insane. I need to have something like this to look forward to; something has to keep me going, something beyond the ordinary.

Anyways, I'm going to stop for now. Perhaps if I get more thoughts floating around my head I will come back and add some more.

Cheers.

On The Rumour Mill

All I've got to say at this time is that people should really take less time listening to the lives of other people, and stay focused on their own. I'm really sick to death of the way small towns work; people get far too bored, and start to discuss the goings-on in other people's lives. It's just ridiculous. I suppose I should be flattered that people find my life so entertaining, but at the end of the day I just feel sorry for these people. Judge me all you want; if that's entertaining to you, then you've got one sad life.

Cute.

On Finding A Song That Is Me

So I was recently transfering a bunch of my old CDs onto my iTunes, and stumbled upon this oldy (but goody). I was listening to it, and the lyrics kind of struck me. Everything she describes about herself, and her life, in this song speaks to me in so many ways. I am this song. Also, don't ask about the picture...I just wanted to put something up. It's old...just Gabriel as a young lad.

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...

On Wondering What It Is I've Done

Alright, so for a number of years now I've had a bit of an issue with Tillsonburg. I can't put my finger on what the problem is, but it is something that has bothered me for quite some time. Other people have even commented on the issue, saying that the circumstances are bizarre. I can do nothing but agree, and shake my head in wonder.

The issue at hand is the way my fellow Tillsonburgians - Tillsonburgers? I'm not entirely sure what the correct title would even be - react to my presence, and their subsequent interaction (or lack thereof) with me.

In a previous blog I had mentioned my experiences with being bullied in this town. Again, the cause and continuation of that treatment is a mystery to me. However, I'm starting to wonder if anyone in this town actually likes me; anyone in my year group, that is. Every time I come home I am met with veiled hostility. I feel as if people are very reluctant to talk to me. I'm not sure why that is, but it's very strange indeed.

The weirdest thing is that if I venture outside my age bracket, or even be-friend people that are the same age as me, but did not go to High school with me, I can easily win them over. In fact, my core group of friends right now are people who are either not my age or went to a different High School. I've only now just kind of caught onto that fact, and it's making me question a lot of things.

Do I come across as bitchy to people in my year group? I'm wondering if perhaps it is my appearance that puts them off. In High School I was something of a dork. I didn't know what to do with my hair, I hid behind the security of my glasses, and I was constantly with my (stupid) boyfriend. I think perhaps I was seen as a bit of a nerd; a softy, who couldn't even intimidate a fly. As I left the school and went to University, and then teachers college, and lastly moved myself across the ocean to England, I've become more and more self aware. I've become more comfortable in my skin, and learnt how to make myself look 'attractive'. I think I am now in a pretty good place, and know exactly what I need to do to put my best face forward. I've mastered my hair, I dress relatively stylishly, and I can usually put on makeup to accentuate my eyes (which I feel is my best feature). I can look at myself in the mirror and genuinely think of myself as an attractive young woman.

I don't think that means I'm vain or anything; I can just admit that I'm not unattractive. I have self confidence now, which I lacked severely growing up. Perhaps that confidence is what puts people off. I have a feeling that may be what it is. If I'm correct in thinking that, then I really feel sorry for the people I went to High School with. The fact that they would fault someone for growing up is a bit ridiculous. Also, just because I am confident and attractive doesn't mean that, fundamentally, I've changed my personality. Ultimately I am the same person. I am still shy around new people, I still say goofy things, I am still a tad 'over the top' and loud. Being a teacher has really done a lot of good for me, because I'm now used to being in a position of power all day. I often find I take that confidence, that power, home with me. It's affected me in my every day life, but I think it is in a positive way. I am, however, ridiculously stubborn, and I hate to ask for help. In any capacity. It's a pain, and something I know I have to get over. I really do blame my Dad for that trait. :P

But anyways, if the people in this town are standoffish towards me because of some perceived snobbishness on my behalf, well, that's too bad. I am not snobby, and would love to have some conversations with them about their lives, and mine. I like to think I am a pretty down to earth girl; the girl next door, if you will. Judging someone on how they look, and how they carry themselves, is ridiculous. However, in a small town I think that appearances go a long way. When I go into the pub decked out in my stylish British clothing, I know I am automatically going to be judged as 'trying too hard', or something. The fact that I take pride in looking good, and carry myself with the assurance that I am a wonderful person is obviously intimidating and scary now, to these people with their small town mentalities. It's a shame though, that they'd distance themselves from me based on my outward appearance and demeanor alone.

They really don't know what they're missing out on. I am a great friend. I am loyal through and through, and would do anything for the people I trust. I'm also a great laugh, because I tell it like it is, and I am not afraid to make 'that' comment. Call me a loudmouth, call me attention seeking, call me whatever you like. I am a decent person, all around. If they don't want to give me that chance, then so be it. I'm here for a good time, not a long time, as it were. Isn't it sad when people will judge you for what is outside, and not what is inside? I think it's a damn shame, but sadly it is a sign of the times.

So tonight, when I go out, I'm going walk into the pub with my head held high, my shoulders back, and a smile on my face. If that's cause enough to avoid me, then watch out Tillsonburg; I'm home.

Instead of typing out a blog, I've decided to try my very first Vlog (I think that's what the techno-geeks call it. My apologies if I am incorrect). I sound like a bit of a wanker, as I've got a cold, but that's a minor technicality. In all fairness, I am just making excuses, because I hate the sound of my own voice. I think everyone does though. Have a look, let me know what you think. I may make more of them in the future, if they're not too cheesy. It's super simple with the built in webcam on my lappy. Cheers XxX

On Missing...

... a lot of things.

I miss things here in Canada, and I haven't left it yet again. Gabriel is playing in front of me, and I miss him. He's right in front of me, looking adorable and playful, and yet I miss him because I know I will have to leave him again. I wish I could bring him with me, because he's my little man. I miss the carefree days of last summer. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the old me.

I miss England, and the life I have built there too. I miss people. I miss a person. I miss the city. I miss bright sunny mornings, as I walk to where my ride picks me up. I miss riding the bus into the centre on a Saturday afternoon, and walking down the ancient cobblestone roads as hundreds of pedestrians mill around me, taking in the beauty that is Cambridge. I miss walking into the Co-op, after a long day at work, and buying a cheap (yet tasty) bottle of white wine. I miss the smell of stale beer soaked into the carpet; the same smell in any pub across the country. I miss what is and what could be.

There are a lot of things that I miss these days; things that are in front of me now and things that are not. It seems as if it's a battle between the past and the present, with the future shining ahead. What path am I going to take? That's a good question.

The answer is to take a leap of faith. I'm going to do what I think is the right thing, and pour my heart and soul into it. It may blow up in my face, but at least I will know I've tried.

Are you ready? Someone better catch me!

On Some Metro Station

(Lyrics)

So take one word you said
You put it in your bed
You rest your tiny head on your pillow
You wonder where you're going next
You got your head pushed to my chest
and now you're hoping that someone let's you in
Well I'll sure let you in
You know ill let you in
Oh Kelsey, you.

So don't let anyone scare you
You know that I'll protect you
Always,
now through the thick and thin
Until the end
You better watch it
You know you don't cross it because
I'm always here for you
and I'll be here for you
I know how it feels believe me
I've been there and
I know what it feels like
tell me Kelsey

And I'll swim the ocean for you
the ocean for you
whoa, oh Kelsey
and I'll swim the ocean for you
the ocean for you
whoa, oh Kelsey
(I hear you darlin')

Now it's gonna get harder
and it's gonna burn brighter
and it's gonna feel tougher each and every day
so let me say, that i love you
you're all I've ever wanted
all I've ever dreamed of to come
and yes you did come
i want you so bad (so bad)
can you feel it too? (it too)
you know I'm so, I'm so in love with you
i want you, so much
i need you, so much
i need your, i need your, your touch

and I'll swim the ocean for you
the ocean for you
whoa, oh Kelsey
and you never ever let me in (let me in)

On Nothing Changing...

On Being in Canada

Well, kids, I'm back home in Canada. It's not for the long haul, but it's a nice visit nonetheless.





Initially, back after Christmas, I had intended to come home for good once the school year was done. However, after taking a look at just how bad the economic situation is here, not to mention the fact that there are very few jobs for teachers, I've come to realize that coming home in August is the dumbest thing I could do. As such, I am going to actively try to find a job in the Cambridge area once I go back to England.





It's not just the job situation that is forcing me to stay though; in fact, I really should choose my words a little wiser, because this isn't something I'm being forced into. Rather, I've actually come to love England, ever since my move. I've started to be able to enjoy being there, enjoy living in Cambridge, enjoy life. It's kind of amazing to think that something as simple as changing where I lived could have such a profound effect on my life, but it has. I'm much happier. I have so much I need to see, and so much more I need to do. I am not ready to come back to Canada. I don't want to have kids and talk about the 'year' I lived in England. That's nothing, in the grand scheme of things. I want to be able to say "Yah, I lived in England for a number of years, and loved it!"





Or maybe I won't come home at all. It all depends on a number of things. Don't freak out though, my dears, as I will try not to stay away forever. I love you all here in Canada, and couldn't stay away forever. I'd miss you all too much. But for the time being, for the foreseeable future, I have to do what is wisest for me; what makes me happiest. That means going back to England, and trying to build something of a future there. It just makes more sense.

But enough of that talk. Let's discuss my visit, so far.

Saturday I got in around 4pm, which was an hour later than scheduled. The flight was delayed 45 minutes because two of the toilets on the plane weren't flushing. They had some maintenance men come and try to fix it, but they were unsuccessful. I was a bit peeved, because we had to sit on the plane for 45 minutes for absolutely nothing; we ended up flying minus two toilets, so it seemed a waste to me. Besides, I never go to the toilet on planes. It's just too...tight for space. I had to wee really badly, but I held it the entire time.

The flight was alright, not too bad. I hate making the trip, because it's such a bore, but once landed its all worth it. The ride home was fine, clear skies and dry roads. The weather was only a little bit chillier than in Cambridge as well, so I was pretty pleased.

We got home, had some Wendy's (oh, how I missed that Spicy Chicken!!), and then came home to get ready for a night out.

Around 9:30 people started to come by. It wasn't as many people as my trip home at Christmas, but it was the important people. I was ridiculously tired, because I started drinking at 2am England time. I had, at this point, been up since 5am in the morning, so I was coming up on 24 hours awake. I think when you are tired the alcohol hits you differently, because I felt drunk really fast. I was dancing around the living room like an idiot, and my accent got even more ridiculous.

There was obvious drama that night, which I don't want to detail too much. One incident that I will recount involved Adam. We'd dated for 5 years, from when I was 16 until I was 21. I broke up with him, and he took it really hard. He begged me not to do it, and said he'd love me forever. That lasted about a month, when he suddenly realized he was in love with his cousin (through marriage, so they're not technically blood related. But still. Gross). He's been with her ever since. That makes it, what, four years? It's been four years since we've been together. Yet whenever I see him out, he is such a rude asshole. He usually avoids me, and I've been fine with giving him his space. However, I saw him on Saturday at the bar, and thought I'd go clear the air and say hello.

I sat down a the table behind him. I think he noticed, because he made a noticeable effort NOT to turn around. I wasn't about to let him be a retard though, so I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, and gave me the dirtiest look in the world.

"Are we really going to do this?" he asked, his voice absolutely saturated with hate.

"Do what?" I asked, genuinely unsure of what he was saying.

"Do this...you bothering me again," he said flatly.

"What? What are you talking about? I just wanted to say hi, and put a stop this nonsense..."

"Yah. Hi. Whatever," he said, turning away from me.

I sat there, staring at the back of his head, my mouth literally hanging open in shock. What the hell was he talking about?! I wanted to tap him again, and ask him in blunt terms what the fuck his problem was, but before I could my sister ran up, pulled on my arm and dragged me away. I think it's best that she did, because in my drunken state I probably would have ended up saying something really horrible, which I would no doubt have regretted. Yah, he is an asshole, but he's an asshole of such large proportions that he's not even worth the energy.

The night got more dramatic than that small bubble, but again, I won't detail. I did, however, run from the bar as it closed weeping bitterly, because I felt that everyone hated me. I ended up sitting on the pavement, crying my eyes out. A police car even pulled up to ask me if I was alright. I sniffled, smiled that the officer, and told him I was fine. He smiled back, and pulled away. Only in Canada.

I ended up going back to my friend Kayla's house, under the guidance of my sister. However, I kept getting hassled there, by a belligerent and angry young man, so I ran into the house and tried to find somewhere to escape. This ended up being behind the shower curtain in the bathroom. After a few moments, I could hear my sister trying to find me. She kept saying that my boots where there, and my coat, so I must be in the house; however, they could not find me. They even came into the bathroom, and started bitching at the people who were rude to me, but no one thought to look behind the curtain. I started to kind of snicker, but held it all under my breath.

I hid there for nearly half an hour, and had to endure hearing a few people pee before I was found.

Anyways, some more drama entailed, the night seemed to last forever, and I ended up calling England for some comfort....it was a good night, but it was a long one, full of dramatic incidents.

Oh, Canada....

But anyways, it's super early in the morning here (the jet lag is messing with my sleep schedule), and I feel I should go have a shower and freshen up.





Cheers!

On Managing

So it's been a week since my meltdown, and I must admit things have changed for the better. My year 9s were the only group that I openly struggled with, and since the insane crying incident they've cooled down considerably. I think they finally realized that I'm a human being, and that I have feelings. You can only push a person so far before they lose it; I absolutely broke down in front of them, and it worked immensely to do so. It's a bit unfortunate that it had to get that ugly, but sometimes that's what it takes.

I must admit though, that I am a bit apprehensive about how long the solution is going to last.

Initially, my Department Head made all the right noises, and was fully behind me. I sobbed to her that I could not teach the one student (we shall call him Charlie for now) I thought I was pretty clear on the matter. I think she was anxious to appease me (or perhaps to stop me from being an hysterical mess), and so she seemed to be on board with my refusal to teach Charlie. He wasn't to come back to me. It was such a relief to finally feel as if my concerns were being heard; to think that FINALLY the one student that I constantly struggled with was going to be taken off my hands.

However, this week I seem to be getting another message from her. On Tuesday, the first day I teach the group in the week, I saw him lingering in the hall outside my lesson. I avoided eye contact with him at first, hoping that if he noticed me ignoring him he'd catch the hint and not bother trying to come in. He made a few moves to enter the room, but when I turned to face the door he would scurry back, as if my gaze was going to liquefy him. I wish it would do.

Anyways, he did this dance a few times, and it wasn't until I sat at my desk to do the register that he managed to slip in. I noticed right away, and wasn't sure what to do. I felt myself instantly stiffen. His very presence is enough to invoke a physical reaction from me now, that is the kind of effect this kid has on me. If we were animals in the wild, the hair on the back of my neck would stand up and I would instinctively bare my teeth at him. The saddest part of that admission is the fact that it would be a defensive move, and not an offensive one; I am more afraid of him than anything. It's a hard fear to explain too, because it's not a fear for my physical safety, it is a fear for my mental stability. The constant struggle that I have with this kid has triggered an instantaneous reaction in me; I stiffen in anticipation of the ensuing battle, which is a battle I know I cannot win.

I realise that it sounds ludicrous that a child of that age should be able to control me, but then you really don't understand the situation (or the child). Charlie is the most manipulative child I have ever met in my life. He is, by no means, a dullard. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is clever. His survival instincts are superb. He can make all the right noises, when faced with authoritative people. In fact, the second Department Head had the pleasure of encountering Charlie today, and commented to me that he was 'delightful' and a very charming boy.

Ah yes, that'd be him. He can charm the pants off a lesbian, if necessary; make them regret the day they gave up his kind. He's that good. But I know who he is. I see him for what he truly is; a power-hungry, chauvinistic little prat. I doubt highly that his skills work on males half as well as they work on females. He is a very attractive guy, and his smile and demeanor can assume that of a needy, impressionable young lad. He can make you feel as if you're soley in control; as if he's cowed to your every wish. To most women, having a good looking guy act this way can FEEL very empowering. To older women it may trigger the mothering instinct. To me, it has no effect. I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to play up to his sex, and it disgusts me. He disgusts me. I cannot look at this kid without a shiver going down my spine; and it is NOT the good kind. He scares me.

His power of manipulation scares me. He is a very clever and bad boy. He could do a lot of bad, if he put his mind to it. And get away with it.

But I digress.

He slinked back into my lesson on Tuesday, and I was stuck with what to do. I wasn't sure if I should send him out, or if I should let him stay. I fretted over the possibility of sending him out and then catching flack from the Department Head for doing something unnecessary. Therefore I chose to ignore him. I let him be there, but I made a rather large effort to show I was ignoring him. I didn't look remotely near where he was sitting, and avoided him at all costs.

It seems like a lot of effort, but really it was not.

As class progressed, he seemed to be making a very conscious effort to avoid me nearly as much as I was avoiding him. I split the class into groups, and sent a few groups into the hall to work. He cleverly joined one of the groups I sent out, and I wasn't about to argue with him about it. I let him go.

At one point I had to poke my head out, as he was starting to kick off in the hallway. I glared at him, and hissed 'Charlie, if you are going to be here today then I don't want to see you or hear you, at any point. Should you draw my attention again, you're out of here. I don't even WANT you to be here...'

He stared at me, blankly, but I could sense a bit of fear in him. He didn't' reply verbally, but he averted his eyes after a moment, which for the first time made me feel in control. I left them to their devices.

The rest of the lesson went off without cause. They all left with the bell.

Soon after, the Department Head came into my room. She asked me where Charlie had been that lesson, and I told her he had been with me. She seemed shocked, and informed me that she'd personally told him not to come to my lesson this week. I wish she had told ME that, as it would have made things a lot easier. I told her that I had been unsure about what to do, but that I had let him in with very little event. She told me that, should he show up the rest of the week, I was merely to send him out without a thought.

"He knows he's not meant to be here the rest of this week, at the very least. We'll see from there," she said.

I stared at her a moment, and a huge part of me wanted to question her on 'this week, at the very least'. My intentions were, and are, never to teach this kid again. On a personal level I hate him. On a professional level I cannot teach him. There is no way I am going to ever allow him back in. He causes me far too much grief, and it is a stress I could do without. Unsafe work environment. That is what I am going to argue, at least.

Instead, I didn't say anything. I just nodded at her, and inwardly started to fume about the whole thing. Funny what a week can do. Apparently my issues, my concerns, were only important at the time. A weeks on, and things appeared to be back to normal.

Only they are not.

I don't want him back with me. Ever. On a personal level, it's not fair. He makes me miserable, because he treats me like shit. No one should have to work in that kind of environment. I certainly won't.

So I am going to stick to my guns, and flat-out refuse to teach him. He cannot come back into my lesson. I will not allow it. I don't care how much flack I take over this; I will not back down. He has had his chances with me, and he blew it. No more.

So long, Charlie.

Other than him, things appear to be going really well. I finally feel as if I'm at a good place with all my classes. I feel as if the respect is finally there. It is a shame I will be leaving the groups at the end of the year. I will miss them. I will also regret having spent all that time to gain their trust and confidence, only to have to start again with new groups.

I am, however, going to try to stay at the school, I think. There is likely a Geography job coming up for next year, if people do what I think they are going to do. I may try to apply for that. It would be nice to work at the school, in another department (and a really good one, at that). I will apply to the post should it come up. In the meantime, I am actively looking for work in the area. I think, in this credit crunch world, it would be stupid of me to give up on England entirely. I wouldn't be able to find work back home; at least, I doubt it. As such, it would be much smarter of me to try to work here, where there is still a demand.

I'm going to go where the jobs are, at any rate.

Besides, England is starting to really grow on me. I also haven't travelled nearly enough; there is a big world out there that I want to see, and I've hardly seen any of it. I haven't even been to mainland Europe yet, and it is not far away at all. That is definitely next on my list.

Wish me luck, at any rate.

I think I may need it.

I seem to be chasing so many dreams, and stumbling through most of them. My feet hurt, for want of achieving them.

I should try to chase something else, but I can't think of anything else that's worth it.

So I'll keep running, keep trying to get what I think is rightfully mine.

Cheers.