Ahh, I really feel like such a rubbish teacher these days. That's saying a lot, considering I'm on my holidays right now, and technically shouldn't even be thinking about teaching. However, the fact remains that I brought a rather sizable stack of marking home with me, and I've really failed to put much of a dent into it. I did manage to complete all my year 10 mock exams. However, I also have to mark Allisson's groups (she went to Japan for the break, and I figured I would be a great mate and take that load off her back. She's had a rough go of it, so I don't mind....not really), and I've yet to even touch that pile. I also have to get through a few dozen year 8 gothic short stories; these are from my two top set groups, which means that the kids are insanely bright, and therefore insanely overachieving, which in turn means they will write a LOT. Looking through the pile....I can confirm that they have, in fact, written a lot. At least it will be a little more entertaining than reading boring coursework essays.
Ugh.
Why did I mention coursework!? I've only just remembered that I set a due date for the first Monday back. I really am a glutton for punishment. Ha.
Honestly though, I moan, but I don't really mean it. I think I moan because it is expected of me. I'd be considered a weirdo if I didn't, right? :P Ha ha.
Anyways, I am going to try and get through as much marking as I can tonight, so that I can go out tomorrow night (Bury St Edmunds is in the works, apparently) and enjoy myself.
Cheers.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
On Blogging On My May Half Term Break
It's pretty insane how fast the time is going, these days. I have always found that once the weather starts to warm up, the days speed past. Perhaps it is because we find ourselves enjoying the days more; you know how they always say that the things you want to go slowly speed by, while the things you want to get over and done with drag on. It seems a bit bizarre though, considering the fact that the days are technically longer (with more hours of sunlight, anyways), yet they seem to slip out of your fingers. I can't believe that it was 5 weeks ago that I was in Canada. It seems like just yesterday, and yet I know it wasn't. I miss being home still, with all the comforts that comes with it, but at the same time I really am nowhere near being done in England.
That said, I really need to lock down a job for the fall. I was offered two days at week at my current school, but that offer isn't one I can seriously consider. As much as I would love to stay at the school (for the children only, trust me), two full days of work is not enough to get me by. I can't even supply on the three days I don't work at the school, because I don't have a car. Its not very easy to get from one place to another without transportation. The buses are fine and dandy if you're not in a hurry, but they're by no means reliable.
My fingers are still crossed that something will come up soon, because I really do hate this waiting game.
I start with two groups of year 7s next week as well. I am prepared for the one class, and wholly under prepared for the other. It's not my fault though, as I was told I would be teaching Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Nights Dream', only to be told on Friday (when I was not in) that it was being changed to 'Argue the Case', whatever that may be. I mean, talk about absolute SHIT notice. How exactly do they expect me to plan anything decent, if I wasn't even there on the last day to get the appropriate resources. What this NOW means is that I have to go into the school, on my holiday, and find the resources that I need. I am really quite frustrated with the lack of communication and preparation at this school. They should have provided me with way more notice than they did, because now I am left feeling like I've got an impossible workload, with very little idea of where I am going and what I am doing. I am not impressed, at all. As sad as it sounds, its all just another reason why I cannot continue to stay at the school; I'm under appreciated. It just seems like another example of 'too little, too late'....which is another underlying theme in my life.
School aside though, things in my life are looking up. Way up. You know I don't like to blog about personal things though, because you never know who may read this, and take it the wrong way. Suffice it to say, I've met someone new, and he's the total package; very very good looking, sweet, funny, intelligent... but anyways, I don't want to jinx it by saying any more. You know how it is... don't want to make any premature leaps, gotta look first.
I've not got a lot more to say at the moment; my mind is kind of in a lazy mood these days. I'll try to find some time to write more later in the week, should something come up.
Cheers.
That said, I really need to lock down a job for the fall. I was offered two days at week at my current school, but that offer isn't one I can seriously consider. As much as I would love to stay at the school (for the children only, trust me), two full days of work is not enough to get me by. I can't even supply on the three days I don't work at the school, because I don't have a car. Its not very easy to get from one place to another without transportation. The buses are fine and dandy if you're not in a hurry, but they're by no means reliable.
My fingers are still crossed that something will come up soon, because I really do hate this waiting game.
I start with two groups of year 7s next week as well. I am prepared for the one class, and wholly under prepared for the other. It's not my fault though, as I was told I would be teaching Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Nights Dream', only to be told on Friday (when I was not in) that it was being changed to 'Argue the Case', whatever that may be. I mean, talk about absolute SHIT notice. How exactly do they expect me to plan anything decent, if I wasn't even there on the last day to get the appropriate resources. What this NOW means is that I have to go into the school, on my holiday, and find the resources that I need. I am really quite frustrated with the lack of communication and preparation at this school. They should have provided me with way more notice than they did, because now I am left feeling like I've got an impossible workload, with very little idea of where I am going and what I am doing. I am not impressed, at all. As sad as it sounds, its all just another reason why I cannot continue to stay at the school; I'm under appreciated. It just seems like another example of 'too little, too late'....which is another underlying theme in my life.
School aside though, things in my life are looking up. Way up. You know I don't like to blog about personal things though, because you never know who may read this, and take it the wrong way. Suffice it to say, I've met someone new, and he's the total package; very very good looking, sweet, funny, intelligent... but anyways, I don't want to jinx it by saying any more. You know how it is... don't want to make any premature leaps, gotta look first.
I've not got a lot more to say at the moment; my mind is kind of in a lazy mood these days. I'll try to find some time to write more later in the week, should something come up.
Cheers.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
On Having A Good Day Teaching
I left the school on Friday smiling. This isn't something that happens on a daily basis, so it's a noteworthy event. I must admit that when I entered the building in the morning I was unsure about how the day would unfold. It was our last day with the year 11 students; they're off for the rest of the year, only coming in to write exams. This is the only time I've seen the British system try to let the students access their learning in an independent fashion. It's the only time that anything they learn is up to them. I doubt they'll use it though; most of my students simply see it as the start to their summer, with a few pesky exams in the middle. Ah well, those students who are worried about doing well will do well; those who muck about will have an eye opening experience ahead of them.
Anyways, on Friday's I typically have my higher 11s first period, then a free, then my bottoms, lunch, my 9s and finish with my 8s. Fridays are usually a pretty high-energy day, with the kids coming in with bucketloads of food, sugar and hyperactive hormones. I usually have to brace myself for a day in which I am constantly using my 'high' voice - the high pitched voice I reserve for trying to shout over students who are in a constant state of titters and giggles. I stock myself well with tea.
When the 11s came in, they were mostly subdued. All of them commented on how this was their last ever English lesson at the school, and with me. The got their folders out (binders, for my Canadian readers), and sat looking at me wistfully. We shared a few jokes, and then I powered up the projector and started in on the 'quiz' like Literature exam revision. It was a silly thing my colleagues had made, where a character name and image came on the board, and then the kids had to see who could talk about that character for a minute. They were apprehensive about doing it. I stood there for a good five minutes trying to coax someone into trying to do it. I was met with a few arguments about how the game was 'unrealistic' and 'unfair', as it put too much 'on the spot pressure' on the students. I scoffed at them, and said they were making excuses for their possible lack of knowledge. They rebuffed me for that, but thats what I had wanted them to do. I pushed their buttons some more, telling them that if they couldn't talk about the character for a minute, then they were going to struggle to write about the character for ten. That got them. A few shot worried glances at each other, a few pulled some nasty faces at me for scaring them.
Finally, a student volunteered to go. They didn't make it to a minute, but the ice was finally broken. Only a few students did any of the talking, while the others kind of mucked about, but it was the best I could do with them, and frankly went better than I had expected.
At the end of lesson, they all got together at the front of the class for a picture. I took one for them, and then they asked me to be in one as well. We took a few, some kids hugged each other, and then the bell went.
"Make sure to take your folders! I don't want them here!" I said as they started to pack up.
"Aw Miss, you don't want the memories?" one of them asked.
"I've got enough in my head, thanks," I replied.
As they left, they all thanked me, and said I'd done a really great job. A few said sorry for being prats sometimes. I smiled at them, and wished them luck. I'll miss them.
My bottom 11s were even cuter. They asked for individual pictures with me, and asked me to sign their leavers books. I did. It was cute. They gave me sweets as well.
During the lesson, I asked them to write a letter, to work on their letter writing skills for the exam. At the end of it, one of the boys stays behind, hands me a folded piece of paper, and leaves. I unfolded it after he had left, and saw it was a letter written to me. In it, he said that he was sorry for not working hard enough in lesson, and for being a pain in the ass. He said it wasn't just with me that he did this, but with all his teachers, and was no reflection on my teaching ability. He then signed it, and added a postscript: "I will get a C on the exam, and make you proud. I promise."
As I read it, my eyes watered up a bit, because it was really very sweet.
The rest of the day went by without incident. My 9s were good; they have been ever since I got rid of the one annoying student; the one that made me lose my cool before the Easter break. After sorting out the fact that he wasn't meant to be with me these last few weeks, I happily sent him packing, and the lessons the rest of the week went fine. It really was just him that was holding me, and everyone else, back. If only I'd done it sooner.
My 8s came in after their lunch for the last period of the day bouncing off the walls. They usually come in quite hyper, but today they seemed especially ridiculous. They're a great bunch though, so I kind of did the 'fake mad teacher look' and they settled. It helps that they're really loving the Dracula unit.
As we were reading through the play, I saw a note being passed around. This was something new for me, in any of my lessons. I chose to ignore it though, as they were otherwise following along very well. At the end of the lesson, they came up to me with the note, and said it was for me.
At the top of the page was written : The following students want Miss Carson to stay next year.
They had all signed it.
It was so cute. I smiled at them, and said it was a very sweet thought. They asked me if it would do any good to hand it in to someone. I said I doubted it, and then tacked it beside my desk, on the wall, and said I'd use it to remember them. They all smiled, and then left as the bell rang.
Overall, it was a very cute day. The students made me feel appreciated, which is something I've been lacking lately.
In fact, I must admit this entire week has been a good one for me. Things are going well, and I'm in a good place. Feeling good, feeling great. Hopefully things remain on the sunny side.
x
Anyways, on Friday's I typically have my higher 11s first period, then a free, then my bottoms, lunch, my 9s and finish with my 8s. Fridays are usually a pretty high-energy day, with the kids coming in with bucketloads of food, sugar and hyperactive hormones. I usually have to brace myself for a day in which I am constantly using my 'high' voice - the high pitched voice I reserve for trying to shout over students who are in a constant state of titters and giggles. I stock myself well with tea.
When the 11s came in, they were mostly subdued. All of them commented on how this was their last ever English lesson at the school, and with me. The got their folders out (binders, for my Canadian readers), and sat looking at me wistfully. We shared a few jokes, and then I powered up the projector and started in on the 'quiz' like Literature exam revision. It was a silly thing my colleagues had made, where a character name and image came on the board, and then the kids had to see who could talk about that character for a minute. They were apprehensive about doing it. I stood there for a good five minutes trying to coax someone into trying to do it. I was met with a few arguments about how the game was 'unrealistic' and 'unfair', as it put too much 'on the spot pressure' on the students. I scoffed at them, and said they were making excuses for their possible lack of knowledge. They rebuffed me for that, but thats what I had wanted them to do. I pushed their buttons some more, telling them that if they couldn't talk about the character for a minute, then they were going to struggle to write about the character for ten. That got them. A few shot worried glances at each other, a few pulled some nasty faces at me for scaring them.
Finally, a student volunteered to go. They didn't make it to a minute, but the ice was finally broken. Only a few students did any of the talking, while the others kind of mucked about, but it was the best I could do with them, and frankly went better than I had expected.
At the end of lesson, they all got together at the front of the class for a picture. I took one for them, and then they asked me to be in one as well. We took a few, some kids hugged each other, and then the bell went.
"Make sure to take your folders! I don't want them here!" I said as they started to pack up.
"Aw Miss, you don't want the memories?" one of them asked.
"I've got enough in my head, thanks," I replied.
As they left, they all thanked me, and said I'd done a really great job. A few said sorry for being prats sometimes. I smiled at them, and wished them luck. I'll miss them.
My bottom 11s were even cuter. They asked for individual pictures with me, and asked me to sign their leavers books. I did. It was cute. They gave me sweets as well.
During the lesson, I asked them to write a letter, to work on their letter writing skills for the exam. At the end of it, one of the boys stays behind, hands me a folded piece of paper, and leaves. I unfolded it after he had left, and saw it was a letter written to me. In it, he said that he was sorry for not working hard enough in lesson, and for being a pain in the ass. He said it wasn't just with me that he did this, but with all his teachers, and was no reflection on my teaching ability. He then signed it, and added a postscript: "I will get a C on the exam, and make you proud. I promise."
As I read it, my eyes watered up a bit, because it was really very sweet.
The rest of the day went by without incident. My 9s were good; they have been ever since I got rid of the one annoying student; the one that made me lose my cool before the Easter break. After sorting out the fact that he wasn't meant to be with me these last few weeks, I happily sent him packing, and the lessons the rest of the week went fine. It really was just him that was holding me, and everyone else, back. If only I'd done it sooner.
My 8s came in after their lunch for the last period of the day bouncing off the walls. They usually come in quite hyper, but today they seemed especially ridiculous. They're a great bunch though, so I kind of did the 'fake mad teacher look' and they settled. It helps that they're really loving the Dracula unit.
As we were reading through the play, I saw a note being passed around. This was something new for me, in any of my lessons. I chose to ignore it though, as they were otherwise following along very well. At the end of the lesson, they came up to me with the note, and said it was for me.
At the top of the page was written : The following students want Miss Carson to stay next year.
They had all signed it.
It was so cute. I smiled at them, and said it was a very sweet thought. They asked me if it would do any good to hand it in to someone. I said I doubted it, and then tacked it beside my desk, on the wall, and said I'd use it to remember them. They all smiled, and then left as the bell rang.
Overall, it was a very cute day. The students made me feel appreciated, which is something I've been lacking lately.
In fact, I must admit this entire week has been a good one for me. Things are going well, and I'm in a good place. Feeling good, feeling great. Hopefully things remain on the sunny side.
x
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
On Blabbering Away
So today I was sitting in my classroom, plowing through piles and piles of work, thinking that the only thing that would make it all worthwhile was the fact that in a few short days I'd be two classes lighter, when the department head came into my room, and perched herself on a table beside my desk. I knew something was coming.
She started off by asking me if I was doing alright, to which I replied in the positive. She inquired about the progress I'd been making in the job search, and I had little to report (because there is no movement on that front, at the moment. That's a whole other issue, but I'd rather avoid it). All the nicey-nicey was making me wonder what was going on, and my suspicions were confirmed when she informed me of the changes to come, once the year 11s left.
Apparently I am to take on 3 lessons a week from one of my colleagues; Year 7s, to be specific, which I don't teach at the moment. It didn't stop there though. I also had to pick up another year 7 lesson. That makes 4 new lessons a week. Admittedly, that means that I'm still 4 lessons lighter than I would have been with my two groups of 11s. However, I am slightly annoyed that because I am 'not staying next year' I am taking on other people's workloads so they can have MY free time to prep. I'm not entirely sure how that is fair. Not only do they swindle me of the chance to apply for the job, they also pile me with more work. Are you kidding me?
The worst thing is, I will do the extra work, because I want the experience. I want it, but I also don't. I don't really like being dumped on. It's not fair. I will likely get very little recognition for whatever work I do, as well.
I hope they don't expect me to plan all the lessons though. If I am taking over someone else's classes - classes I know nothing about - I don't want to do the legwork. I don't want to do the marking. That should be the actual teachers work, not mine. We'll see what I get roped into though.
Anyways.
My Mum told me I should blog more about the positive experiences I'm having here, but I really do find it hard to find good things to blog about. I feel, a lot of the time, that most of my time here is spent working too hard and putting up with shit treatment by people in my personal life. Its really frustrating.
I want to be able to meet and make friends that are going to contribute positively to my life. I am hoping that in the next few weeks that will happen. I am putting the wheels in motion. I have my fingers crossed. I also must admit I have a good feeling about things...kind of like things are already clicking, at the early stages.
I'll start writing positive blogs when positive things start happening. This weekend has many possibilities.
Ta.
She started off by asking me if I was doing alright, to which I replied in the positive. She inquired about the progress I'd been making in the job search, and I had little to report (because there is no movement on that front, at the moment. That's a whole other issue, but I'd rather avoid it). All the nicey-nicey was making me wonder what was going on, and my suspicions were confirmed when she informed me of the changes to come, once the year 11s left.
Apparently I am to take on 3 lessons a week from one of my colleagues; Year 7s, to be specific, which I don't teach at the moment. It didn't stop there though. I also had to pick up another year 7 lesson. That makes 4 new lessons a week. Admittedly, that means that I'm still 4 lessons lighter than I would have been with my two groups of 11s. However, I am slightly annoyed that because I am 'not staying next year' I am taking on other people's workloads so they can have MY free time to prep. I'm not entirely sure how that is fair. Not only do they swindle me of the chance to apply for the job, they also pile me with more work. Are you kidding me?
The worst thing is, I will do the extra work, because I want the experience. I want it, but I also don't. I don't really like being dumped on. It's not fair. I will likely get very little recognition for whatever work I do, as well.
I hope they don't expect me to plan all the lessons though. If I am taking over someone else's classes - classes I know nothing about - I don't want to do the legwork. I don't want to do the marking. That should be the actual teachers work, not mine. We'll see what I get roped into though.
Anyways.
My Mum told me I should blog more about the positive experiences I'm having here, but I really do find it hard to find good things to blog about. I feel, a lot of the time, that most of my time here is spent working too hard and putting up with shit treatment by people in my personal life. Its really frustrating.
I want to be able to meet and make friends that are going to contribute positively to my life. I am hoping that in the next few weeks that will happen. I am putting the wheels in motion. I have my fingers crossed. I also must admit I have a good feeling about things...kind of like things are already clicking, at the early stages.
I'll start writing positive blogs when positive things start happening. This weekend has many possibilities.
Ta.
Friday, May 8, 2009
On Growing Up and Moving On
You'd have to be a complete moron not to notice that the last few posts I've had on here have consisted of ridiculous song lyrics, most of which recounted some form of being treated like shit, and moving on. I'd like to say that I've been acting in accordance with the songs, but it really wasn't until today that I've been 100% behind the message they all give: Fuck with me, and it's game over for you.
I also wish I could say that it was only one area of my life that the songs apply to. However, as pathetic as it sounds, it's not. It's multiple arena's. It seems as though I generally pick shit people to befriend and love. I'm not entirely sure why I do that, but I would like to think it's not necessarily a personal fault, per say. I think my problem is that I am too trusting. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and usually think people deserve more than one chance. As it turns out, I probably should have heeded the warning signs. They were there. A true friend wouldn't need more than once shot to prove their merit. I know that now, and I won't make the same mistake again.
I a truly tired of being treated like the bad guy, when all I've been trying to do is make everyone happy. It's really frustrating when you put yourself on the line, heart and soul, and get the big R; rejected.
It's made more frustrating by the fact that back home I know I've got this amazing support base. I have the best family, and the best friends, and they'd do anything for me. They'd never let me get treated this way, walked over this way, abused this way. My sister would crack some skulls, trust me. She told one guy he had a vagina bigger than Rosie O'Donnell, okay? That's a damn big vagina. That's a damn good sister.
But I digress.
As shit as my life can be sometimes, in terms of how people treat me, there is always a silver lining. I've got some promising things on the horizon already. :)
School has been alright lately. It hasn't been anything to write home about. I'm making it through all right. Next week is my last week with my year 11s, then they are off for their exams. That will mean two less classes for me, which is going to be heavenly. I will be able to get a lot more done at school, which means my social life will pick up considerably (or at least be able to. I need to make more non-teaching friends for it to really pick up).
I'd write more, there is a ton to tell, but I really am in no mood for it.
Ta.
I also wish I could say that it was only one area of my life that the songs apply to. However, as pathetic as it sounds, it's not. It's multiple arena's. It seems as though I generally pick shit people to befriend and love. I'm not entirely sure why I do that, but I would like to think it's not necessarily a personal fault, per say. I think my problem is that I am too trusting. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and usually think people deserve more than one chance. As it turns out, I probably should have heeded the warning signs. They were there. A true friend wouldn't need more than once shot to prove their merit. I know that now, and I won't make the same mistake again.
I a truly tired of being treated like the bad guy, when all I've been trying to do is make everyone happy. It's really frustrating when you put yourself on the line, heart and soul, and get the big R; rejected.
It's made more frustrating by the fact that back home I know I've got this amazing support base. I have the best family, and the best friends, and they'd do anything for me. They'd never let me get treated this way, walked over this way, abused this way. My sister would crack some skulls, trust me. She told one guy he had a vagina bigger than Rosie O'Donnell, okay? That's a damn big vagina. That's a damn good sister.
But I digress.
As shit as my life can be sometimes, in terms of how people treat me, there is always a silver lining. I've got some promising things on the horizon already. :)
School has been alright lately. It hasn't been anything to write home about. I'm making it through all right. Next week is my last week with my year 11s, then they are off for their exams. That will mean two less classes for me, which is going to be heavenly. I will be able to get a lot more done at school, which means my social life will pick up considerably (or at least be able to. I need to make more non-teaching friends for it to really pick up).
I'd write more, there is a ton to tell, but I really am in no mood for it.
Ta.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
On Being Done With It, Once And For All
Well, now I offically know that the tree has fallen down, and frankly I am a bit relieved. The climb was mentally and physically exhausting me. I deserve way better than to be jerked around.
--------------------------------------------
All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around
You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before
But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade
So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
--------------------------------------------
All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around
You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no
Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before
But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade
So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
On Telling Me Why
I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?
I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?
Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?
I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
On Bringing Down the Tree
I know that lately I haven't been posting much in the way of an actual blog. For that I apologize. It's just that I've been so busy these past few weeks, I can hardly keep my head on straight. I've been bombarded left and right with one situation to grapple with after another. I honestly feel physically exhausted, and it's only been a few weeks since the break. Someone, somewhere, is getting a great laugh out of this. They have to be. I'm going to be disappointed if SOMEONE is not at least entertained by the mishaps that I seem to stumble into, at every turn.
The worst thing is, I feel as if I am passively being subjected to this shit. It's not as if I am asking of all this drama to just fall on me. In fact, if you know me at all, you'll know that I am very much anti-drama. I tend to avoid it like the plague. I will often take the path of least resistance, in order avoid said drama, even if that path goes down a dark alley. I'd rather stake my way alone than have to wander into a snake nest.
Lately, however, ever decision that I make seems to be ending badly. I keep putting myself out on a limb, only to find that the limb breaks under the strain. The worst thing is, instead of falling to the ground, and taking that hard hit and broken bones (or ego, or heart, or whatever else is breakable in a woman), I grasp frantically at another branch, and keep trying to climb.
I think perhaps that is a sign of my character. I don't like to give up. It's not in my nature to quit anything without giving it my all. I am going to climb to the top of this damn tree, even if it means that once I get to the top the whole damn things falls down. At least at that point I will know that the tree is officially on the ground. It is incapable of being climbed, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. It just wasn't strong enough for me. In the end, I'd rather have that one HUGE fall, with total failure at the end. At least that way I'll know I've exhausted every available option, and only THEN has it all come crashing down.
It wasn't meant to be, if that's how it ends up.
This metaphor could be applied to a lot of things right now, so don't try to guess which one specifically it is. My life, my friendships, my love life, my job....pretty much everything could be explained using this metaphor.
Leave it to an English teacher to find a way to sum her entire life up in one succinct metaphor. If only my students could read this now.
I think they'd be proud.
Ta.
The worst thing is, I feel as if I am passively being subjected to this shit. It's not as if I am asking of all this drama to just fall on me. In fact, if you know me at all, you'll know that I am very much anti-drama. I tend to avoid it like the plague. I will often take the path of least resistance, in order avoid said drama, even if that path goes down a dark alley. I'd rather stake my way alone than have to wander into a snake nest.
Lately, however, ever decision that I make seems to be ending badly. I keep putting myself out on a limb, only to find that the limb breaks under the strain. The worst thing is, instead of falling to the ground, and taking that hard hit and broken bones (or ego, or heart, or whatever else is breakable in a woman), I grasp frantically at another branch, and keep trying to climb.
I think perhaps that is a sign of my character. I don't like to give up. It's not in my nature to quit anything without giving it my all. I am going to climb to the top of this damn tree, even if it means that once I get to the top the whole damn things falls down. At least at that point I will know that the tree is officially on the ground. It is incapable of being climbed, and it wasn't for my lack of trying. It just wasn't strong enough for me. In the end, I'd rather have that one HUGE fall, with total failure at the end. At least that way I'll know I've exhausted every available option, and only THEN has it all come crashing down.
It wasn't meant to be, if that's how it ends up.
This metaphor could be applied to a lot of things right now, so don't try to guess which one specifically it is. My life, my friendships, my love life, my job....pretty much everything could be explained using this metaphor.
Leave it to an English teacher to find a way to sum her entire life up in one succinct metaphor. If only my students could read this now.
I think they'd be proud.
Ta.
Monday, May 4, 2009
On Being Let Down
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought i could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
What is the problem
Are you taking me seriously
Is it a joke to you
Or maybe I'm a fool
Why am I trying
So hard to be the girl that you need
How is this fair to me
When you break through
This is to much
Don't call it love
You are the reason its so hard to trust
Boy this ain't what i wanted
And now its got to stop
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
No more tears
Why did I let you have so much control
I gave my arm to you
And you pushed me away
Why are you here oh
Don't you see I'm letting you go
The damage is done baby
I have nothing to say
Its gone to far
Don't know who you are
I think its better that we are apart
Babe I know where I am
And I know where your not
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
You let me down, thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when i hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down (ooooh)
Would you like it if
I did the same thing to
You and I lasted
Walking years on ma shoes
Boy theres no excuse
Cause of what you did theres no me and you
Would you like it if
I did the same thing
You wouldnt of liked
Walking in time
Boy theres no excuse
Thats who you are and im so over you
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
You let me down,thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when I hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down
Down
Down
Stop bringing me, stop bringing me
Down down
Oooh
Thought i could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
What is the problem
Are you taking me seriously
Is it a joke to you
Or maybe I'm a fool
Why am I trying
So hard to be the girl that you need
How is this fair to me
When you break through
This is to much
Don't call it love
You are the reason its so hard to trust
Boy this ain't what i wanted
And now its got to stop
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
No more tears
Why did I let you have so much control
I gave my arm to you
And you pushed me away
Why are you here oh
Don't you see I'm letting you go
The damage is done baby
I have nothing to say
Its gone to far
Don't know who you are
I think its better that we are apart
Babe I know where I am
And I know where your not
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
You let me down, thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when i hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down (ooooh)
Would you like it if
I did the same thing to
You and I lasted
Walking years on ma shoes
Boy theres no excuse
Cause of what you did theres no me and you
Would you like it if
I did the same thing
You wouldnt of liked
Walking in time
Boy theres no excuse
Thats who you are and im so over you
You let me down, cant fix you now
Thought I could count on you to be around
You bring me down, down, down way down
You let me down,thought I had had found
Some one to catch me when I hit the ground
You bring me down, down, down way down
Down
Down
Stop bringing me, stop bringing me
Down down
Oooh
On What Goes Around (Comes Back Around)
Hey boy, is she everything you wanted in a woman
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Now boy, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it’s all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
Don’t want to think about it (no)
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
But that’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
[Comes Around interlude:]
Let me paint this picture for you, baby
You spend your nights alone
And she never comes home
And every time you call her
All you get’s a busy tone
I heard you found out
That she’s doing to you
What you did to me
Ain’t that the way it goes
You cheated, boy
My heart bleeds, boy
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Boy you got what you deserved
And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right
But boy I ain’t somebody with a lot of sympathy
You’ll see
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
See?
You should’ve listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can’t seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it’s really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find…
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Now boy, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it’s all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong
Don’t want to think about it
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can’t do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
That’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
Don’t want to think about it (no)
Don’t want to talk about it
I’m just so sick about it
Can’t believe it’s ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can’t do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should’ve known better when you came around (should’ve known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it’s breaking my heart to watch you run around
‘Cause I know that you’re living a lie
But that’s okay baby ’cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
[Comes Around interlude:]
Let me paint this picture for you, baby
You spend your nights alone
And she never comes home
And every time you call her
All you get’s a busy tone
I heard you found out
That she’s doing to you
What you did to me
Ain’t that the way it goes
You cheated, boy
My heart bleeds, boy
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Boy you got what you deserved
And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right
But boy I ain’t somebody with a lot of sympathy
You’ll see
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
See?
You should’ve listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
On Making a Change
So last night some shit went down, and I've woken up this morning and realized that what has happened in the past little while is not me...and yet I let this stuff happen, for some bizarre reason. It's not something I'd have ever let happen in the past. I'm usually such a strong person, but lately I've been letting people get the best of me. Really selfish people have been taking advantage of me, and I've been letting them, because I thought maybe things would change. Things are not going to change, and I know that now. I know that the next little while might suck a bit for me, but whatever. I'm just going to move along, and let these people fall by the wayside. They have no place in my life anymore.
Life is not going to break me.
Life is not going to break me.
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