I'm literally sitting here, my year 9s have just left the room, fighting back tears of absolute frustration. I've turned out the lights, shut the curtains, and spent the last 5 minutes literally staring into space. I turned my brain off. I have absolutely no desire to think more than is necessary to live. I'm makingmyself go numb, because I'm tired of feeling anything at all. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm sick of being tread upon. I feel as if someone has taken a baseball bat, and physically beaten the shit out of me. And I haven't fought back. I've laid there and taken it, not making a sound. And I'm fucking tired of it.
I am so TIRED of feeling this way. I thought these days were behind me. I can stand it if I have one lesson a day that makes me feel this way...but 5? I'm not sure what I've done to deserve being treated like this...
I am so kind to my students. I give them the benefit of the doubt, time and time again. I care about them, and I want them to do well, so I go out of my way to help them, regardless of the cost to my personal life. And how do I get rewarded for my time and concern? Fuck that, I don't. I get chewed up and spit out. And when I do snap, when I do lash back and cry and scream and throw things...I'M the bad guy. I never get an "I'm sorry, miss". I get furtive glances, and snickers in the hall.
Oh, I must have forgotten that making someone cry is a point of pride.
Pushing a person to the point where they can't breathe, they're so upset, is a perfectly normal thing to do. In fact, it's quite funny.
These kids are sick and twisted, if they can treat me like this, reduce me to tears, and then laugh about it later. Something is severely wrong with that. Severely.
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