As the title suggests, I've cried once again. That makes it the second time in two weeks that I've cried at school. This time it was because of my year 9s. Luckily, it wasn't in front of them...but it was still in front of students.
They were being really frustrating. If you are a teacher, you'll know what its like to be in front of a group of teens and feel as if you're in the middle of pure chaos. I tried to be calm, I tried to be mad, I tried everything. Nothing I did was having the right effect, and I'm not sure I have the skills necessary to handle it. I am so horribly bad at classroom management with this group, it makes me extremely ashamed and embarrassed. They do not listen to me. I have no idea what I can do to change it. I've tried it all, and I've lost every battle. Earlier this week the Department Head suggested we schedule a day to plan some lessons together for the class, so that we can work on getting them to work in an extremely managed environment. I was absolutely for the idea, and hope to god she follows through. As much as it would be hitting on my ego (it's an admission that I'm rubbish, to some degree) I am humble enough to admit I need help. I need training. I need someone to scaffold me, so I can in turn scaffold the class.
Eventually, I gave up trying to reign in the misbehaving kids today, and focused on making sure the good ones were receiving instruction. This was really hard to do though, because the behavioural issue kids were going bonkers, doing whatever the hell they wanted behind my back. Obviously I couldn't let everything slide by, so I had to go reem out a few kids, before returning to the kids on task. I tried to get the bad ones back to work, but they gave me their 'stupid' stare, and refused to pick up a pen. Aside from sending the whole lot of them out, I was at a complete loss of what to do.
I tried to instruct the on-task kids as well as I could, but it was extremely hard considering my attention was being constantly compromised. I felt as if I were being tugged between two extremes, and it started to really grate on me. I could literally feel every fibre of energy being drained from my body. I felt myself wilt, like a flower left to dry in the sun. I eventually gave up completely and let the kids go five minutes early. I didn't even care if I got reprimanded for it later. I was just completely drained; I could not handle the tug-of-war any longer. Besides, the off task kids had already packed up, and were only distracting the on task kids more.
They filed out and I quietly went about putting the room back in order. As I was doing so, my year 8 students started to pour into the room. They're lovely children, but last period on a Friday even they can be a bit hyper and rowdy. They were acting as children do, and I was trying VERY hard to not lose my cool with them. It was not their fault that I was in a terrible state.
One of the boys, who is almost always a bit of a handful, but is nonetheless likable, started to be overly goofy.
"Josh, not today....please. I'm begging you," I said quietly to him.
He stopped what he was doing, and looked at me. He tiled his head to the side, and said "Miss, you don't look happy. Are you okay? Are you tired?"
"Yes. I'm exhausted..." I said quietly.
A few of the girls across the aisle had been listening, and they looked at me, their tiny faces swimming with concern."Miss, was it your 9s? Were they rude to you?" one of the girls asked.
"Yes," I said curtly.
"What did they do?" the other asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, turning away from them.
I walked over to my desk, and attempted to do the register. However, I could not let this feeling of frustration go. I felt myself welling up, a tingle came over me, and I knew that tears were on their way. Not wanting to let loose a torrent of rainfall on the children, I covered my face and quickly hurried out of the room. I heard a collective "Awwwww" come from the children as I left.
I stood out in the hallway, and let a few tears slip silently out. My whole body was shaking though, and before long the solitary tears became a steady stream.
At this point, Allisson, the other Canadian teacher, came out of her room to reprimand one of her students, and she saw me crying. She sent her student back into the room and came over to talk to me.
"Do you want me to go into your room and give a verbal licking to your group?" she asked, defensively.
"Oh no," I said between tears, "It's not them. They are lovely. It was the 9s before them..."
She cursed the 9s, and rubbed my back as we discussed our mutual dislike of the year group, and the sets we've been given. She took a hard line, and has resolved that we should band together and do something about our classes, because she has the same issue as I do. Basically, she's got a group of students who genuinely try but are constantly brought down by the other half of the class, who act like total lunatics and assholes.
"I'm going to propose that after half term we split the classes. I will take ALL the bad ones, and give you my good ones. That way, the kids who want to learn aren't done the disservice that they're at now. I'm willing to take that hit," she said.
"I dunno," I said, reluctantly. I hate to pass of my problems to other people. However, I do think she raises a valid point. If she wants to make that proposal, I will stand behind it 100%. I'd even take the bad ones, as long as I had some sort of TA support in the room with me. One adult with these kids, the bad ones at least, is not enough. They are unmanageable.
After talking with her for about 4 minutes, I had dried my eyes, and was ready to return. They kids were all waiting expectantly for me.
"I'm really sorry guys," I said, my voice still shaking. "Its not your fault at all that I cried. I just had a very bad lesson before you, and it just got to me. Terribly sorry you had to see that. Now, let's carry on..."
The kids were very good for me, as they usually are. At the end of the lesson, a few of them asked me if I was alright. I assured them that I was. They looked uncomfortable for a minute, as they contemplated hugging me. I laughed it off, and told them hugs were not required, but I did appreciate the thought.
"Well, the whole class would hug you if it weren't weird to do so," one of the boys said.
I smiled at him, and thanked him for his kind words.
Another boy said he was going to yell at one of the year 9s in his form room, for making me cry. I laughed again, and then sent them on their way. They're delightful children, and I am very glad that I ended the day with them, and not with the 9s. I am sorry they had to see me break down though, as they don't deserve that burden. Sadly, it could not be helped.
As it stands, I feel as if I am literally at the end of my rope with this school. I just don't feel like I'm being as effective at my job as I could be. I feel like a failure. These feelings of total inadequacy are dominating me lately, and I cannot escape them. I had started the year in January on such a high, but now it's been dashed to pieces. I don't know what to do. I have never, in my entire life, been so profoundly unhappy. I know that this unhappiness stems from my job. Its not even the workload that is killing me. That is manageable, and I have it under control. I am not working too hard, and I am not stressing about the workload in any way. It is, one hundred percent, the constant psychological struggle that these kids put me through. Physically I feel like total shit. I oouldn't even imagine what it would feel like to be more unhappy than I am right now...I can't even verbalize to you what I'm feeling right now. It's a horrible feeling in the very centre of my soul. Its a numbness, but it's a painful numbness.
It didn't help that my year 11s were total write offs this morning. My higher's didn't do anything close to what I wanted them to do. They basically took what I had assigned, and then half-assed a response. It was absolutely appalling. Their sheer laziness is enough to make me want to scream. Fed up, I sent them out, and am going to have them re-do it on Monday.
My bottom 11s were appalling, to start, as well. Two of the boys, one of them that lazy fat ass I've described to you before, were in moods right off the bat. They were belligerent with me, and in my face with attitude. Frustrated, I started to dish it right back.
The one kid got up, and stormed out. I looked at the TA, who took the hint and chased after him. Apparently he ripped into her in the hallway, and told her to fuck off. When he returned, I sent him out with the Department Head. No nonsense. Then someone else came to collect Fat Bastard, who was supposed to have gone to the Inclusion Centre to do some Maths catchup work. He wasn't happy to go, and five minutes later returned.
"You're not supposed to be here," I said.
"Yah, well I walked outta there...I don't want to be there," he said.
"That's not your call. You need to be there, not here," I said. I went to my laptop, and sent out a message that he was in my room.
A few minutes later, the Department Head popped back in again and demanded that he move. He refused. She raised her voice with him. He demanded to speak with a man.
She lost it.
Eventually he was hauled out. The stress, however, had obviously done its number on me by this point....
The game was basically over for me after this all went down. And then period 4.....
I want to induce this feeling out of my body, right now, but it's stuck inside me. I am currently wishing I had a bottle of wine that I could pour down my throat. That'd wash away the dreadful feeling of absolute uselessness from me....
...for awhile, anyways.
They were being really frustrating. If you are a teacher, you'll know what its like to be in front of a group of teens and feel as if you're in the middle of pure chaos. I tried to be calm, I tried to be mad, I tried everything. Nothing I did was having the right effect, and I'm not sure I have the skills necessary to handle it. I am so horribly bad at classroom management with this group, it makes me extremely ashamed and embarrassed. They do not listen to me. I have no idea what I can do to change it. I've tried it all, and I've lost every battle. Earlier this week the Department Head suggested we schedule a day to plan some lessons together for the class, so that we can work on getting them to work in an extremely managed environment. I was absolutely for the idea, and hope to god she follows through. As much as it would be hitting on my ego (it's an admission that I'm rubbish, to some degree) I am humble enough to admit I need help. I need training. I need someone to scaffold me, so I can in turn scaffold the class.
Eventually, I gave up trying to reign in the misbehaving kids today, and focused on making sure the good ones were receiving instruction. This was really hard to do though, because the behavioural issue kids were going bonkers, doing whatever the hell they wanted behind my back. Obviously I couldn't let everything slide by, so I had to go reem out a few kids, before returning to the kids on task. I tried to get the bad ones back to work, but they gave me their 'stupid' stare, and refused to pick up a pen. Aside from sending the whole lot of them out, I was at a complete loss of what to do.
I tried to instruct the on-task kids as well as I could, but it was extremely hard considering my attention was being constantly compromised. I felt as if I were being tugged between two extremes, and it started to really grate on me. I could literally feel every fibre of energy being drained from my body. I felt myself wilt, like a flower left to dry in the sun. I eventually gave up completely and let the kids go five minutes early. I didn't even care if I got reprimanded for it later. I was just completely drained; I could not handle the tug-of-war any longer. Besides, the off task kids had already packed up, and were only distracting the on task kids more.
They filed out and I quietly went about putting the room back in order. As I was doing so, my year 8 students started to pour into the room. They're lovely children, but last period on a Friday even they can be a bit hyper and rowdy. They were acting as children do, and I was trying VERY hard to not lose my cool with them. It was not their fault that I was in a terrible state.
One of the boys, who is almost always a bit of a handful, but is nonetheless likable, started to be overly goofy.
"Josh, not today....please. I'm begging you," I said quietly to him.
He stopped what he was doing, and looked at me. He tiled his head to the side, and said "Miss, you don't look happy. Are you okay? Are you tired?"
"Yes. I'm exhausted..." I said quietly.
A few of the girls across the aisle had been listening, and they looked at me, their tiny faces swimming with concern."Miss, was it your 9s? Were they rude to you?" one of the girls asked.
"Yes," I said curtly.
"What did they do?" the other asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, turning away from them.
I walked over to my desk, and attempted to do the register. However, I could not let this feeling of frustration go. I felt myself welling up, a tingle came over me, and I knew that tears were on their way. Not wanting to let loose a torrent of rainfall on the children, I covered my face and quickly hurried out of the room. I heard a collective "Awwwww" come from the children as I left.
I stood out in the hallway, and let a few tears slip silently out. My whole body was shaking though, and before long the solitary tears became a steady stream.
At this point, Allisson, the other Canadian teacher, came out of her room to reprimand one of her students, and she saw me crying. She sent her student back into the room and came over to talk to me.
"Do you want me to go into your room and give a verbal licking to your group?" she asked, defensively.
"Oh no," I said between tears, "It's not them. They are lovely. It was the 9s before them..."
She cursed the 9s, and rubbed my back as we discussed our mutual dislike of the year group, and the sets we've been given. She took a hard line, and has resolved that we should band together and do something about our classes, because she has the same issue as I do. Basically, she's got a group of students who genuinely try but are constantly brought down by the other half of the class, who act like total lunatics and assholes.
"I'm going to propose that after half term we split the classes. I will take ALL the bad ones, and give you my good ones. That way, the kids who want to learn aren't done the disservice that they're at now. I'm willing to take that hit," she said.
"I dunno," I said, reluctantly. I hate to pass of my problems to other people. However, I do think she raises a valid point. If she wants to make that proposal, I will stand behind it 100%. I'd even take the bad ones, as long as I had some sort of TA support in the room with me. One adult with these kids, the bad ones at least, is not enough. They are unmanageable.
After talking with her for about 4 minutes, I had dried my eyes, and was ready to return. They kids were all waiting expectantly for me.
"I'm really sorry guys," I said, my voice still shaking. "Its not your fault at all that I cried. I just had a very bad lesson before you, and it just got to me. Terribly sorry you had to see that. Now, let's carry on..."
The kids were very good for me, as they usually are. At the end of the lesson, a few of them asked me if I was alright. I assured them that I was. They looked uncomfortable for a minute, as they contemplated hugging me. I laughed it off, and told them hugs were not required, but I did appreciate the thought.
"Well, the whole class would hug you if it weren't weird to do so," one of the boys said.
I smiled at him, and thanked him for his kind words.
Another boy said he was going to yell at one of the year 9s in his form room, for making me cry. I laughed again, and then sent them on their way. They're delightful children, and I am very glad that I ended the day with them, and not with the 9s. I am sorry they had to see me break down though, as they don't deserve that burden. Sadly, it could not be helped.
As it stands, I feel as if I am literally at the end of my rope with this school. I just don't feel like I'm being as effective at my job as I could be. I feel like a failure. These feelings of total inadequacy are dominating me lately, and I cannot escape them. I had started the year in January on such a high, but now it's been dashed to pieces. I don't know what to do. I have never, in my entire life, been so profoundly unhappy. I know that this unhappiness stems from my job. Its not even the workload that is killing me. That is manageable, and I have it under control. I am not working too hard, and I am not stressing about the workload in any way. It is, one hundred percent, the constant psychological struggle that these kids put me through. Physically I feel like total shit. I oouldn't even imagine what it would feel like to be more unhappy than I am right now...I can't even verbalize to you what I'm feeling right now. It's a horrible feeling in the very centre of my soul. Its a numbness, but it's a painful numbness.
It didn't help that my year 11s were total write offs this morning. My higher's didn't do anything close to what I wanted them to do. They basically took what I had assigned, and then half-assed a response. It was absolutely appalling. Their sheer laziness is enough to make me want to scream. Fed up, I sent them out, and am going to have them re-do it on Monday.
My bottom 11s were appalling, to start, as well. Two of the boys, one of them that lazy fat ass I've described to you before, were in moods right off the bat. They were belligerent with me, and in my face with attitude. Frustrated, I started to dish it right back.
The one kid got up, and stormed out. I looked at the TA, who took the hint and chased after him. Apparently he ripped into her in the hallway, and told her to fuck off. When he returned, I sent him out with the Department Head. No nonsense. Then someone else came to collect Fat Bastard, who was supposed to have gone to the Inclusion Centre to do some Maths catchup work. He wasn't happy to go, and five minutes later returned.
"You're not supposed to be here," I said.
"Yah, well I walked outta there...I don't want to be there," he said.
"That's not your call. You need to be there, not here," I said. I went to my laptop, and sent out a message that he was in my room.
A few minutes later, the Department Head popped back in again and demanded that he move. He refused. She raised her voice with him. He demanded to speak with a man.
She lost it.
Eventually he was hauled out. The stress, however, had obviously done its number on me by this point....
The game was basically over for me after this all went down. And then period 4.....
I want to induce this feeling out of my body, right now, but it's stuck inside me. I am currently wishing I had a bottle of wine that I could pour down my throat. That'd wash away the dreadful feeling of absolute uselessness from me....
...for awhile, anyways.
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1 comment:
Krista, I hear you loud and clear that these kids are stomping you. The one thing that holds us back, keeps us from succeeding, and believing ourselves, is our "ego". Think about it for a moment. Honey - only allow people that you love get to you. People you don't love don't deserve the energy and effort it takes (from you) when they get results. Even negative results bring happines to those seeking it. It's not about you Krista. You're a good person, with good values and solid morals. Don't forget that. It's about all those kids who seem to have "missed" something integral to success in their lives. Just plain and simple, their behaviour speaks volumes about the value of respect; seems something they Havent't Learned. These people are not 7 and 8 year olds. They need to be held accountable for their despicable behavior and lack of respect. I thought the brits prided themselves on discipline, both self and practiced. Is there anyway you can capture these displays of blatant bratism? Do their parents really know how they behave? OMG,what are these kids going to do when they hit the work world. It's the same, the people are just bigger and older. You will have to deal with child like behavior from those around you for the rest of your life, in the work world. Believe me. I have been working now for 30 years, sometimes when I go to work, it's like being at home; the people are just bigger, their braces are off and they have nicer clothes. But they are still cheeky, back talkers. some don't know when to shut up. which is what i'm dong now. I love you and I love your stories. I wish I could comfort you. Hugs, Long ones.
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