On This Feeling

You know how music can most definitely put you in a mood? Well lately I've been trying really hard to monitor my music choices, so that I can avoid inducing a 'downer' feeling in myself. Instead, I've been attempting to download rather uplifting music, so that the chances of my iPod shuffling on to something really depressing is significantly lowered.

In theory, this should work out pretty well. However, it would appear that it doesn't really work in practice. I've been really productive at work lately, not bringing much work home with me. I've been getting so much done at school, I've been on a real roll. As such, I've been able to come home and just have some 'me' time. Usually this consists of nothing more than streaming episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother' and downloading and listening to music.

I've been listening to the music off my laptop the last little while, since I seem to have misplaced my USB docking cable for my iPod. I am positive I brought it to England with me, but I can't find it, so I've had to order a new one off the Apple website. Well, it's arrived today, so I quickly plugged it in and re-synced my iPod. Now I've got it sitting in the speaker, and am letting it entertain me with its musical prowess. It's on shuffle. And it keeps bombarding me with depressing music!

Right now it's blasting 'Creep' by Radiohead at me. While I do adore this song, it is also a tad bit emo and depressing. It's all about worshiping someone from afar, and not feeling good enough. Crap. Like I want to listen to that! So I'll reach over and change the song....

...and what does it come up with? 'Given to Fly' by Pearl Jam. Now this....this is a great tune. But, great tune though it may be, it also has a pretty mellow feel to it. One could even say depressing...if you wanted to get really heavy. I'm not going to change the song though, because this song will actually put me in a mellow state of mind. It is kind of about someone not returning love...it's got some angst. Come on. Nothing Eddie Vedder sings is completely free of angst. He's gritty, and thats why I love him. Bad ass.

The point remains though, that my iPod seems to be skipping out entirely on the upbeat pop songs I've loaded it with. I'm sure it is just a coincidence, but one has to wonder a little. Does the world want me to be in a chill/depressio mood? Is that what I'm supposed to be feeling right now? Or is it all just in my head? Does it have more to do with the fact that I want to feel this way, so I'm willing these songs to be played?

Bah, I am not a philosophy major, nor do I care to be. I'm simply lamenting.

'Spaceman' by the Killers is the song it's choosing to play for me next. This song isn't as depressing as the rest; at least not in tune. It's got an upbeat feel to it...but with the Killers you can never be sure. Weirdos. The guy wears guy-liner, for Gods sake (and don't I love him for it? Best wearer of guy-liner ever).

Hmm, now it's playing some Matchbox Twenty. I am still arguing this theory of my iPod avoiding upbeat music. Hmm.

But anyways, this train of thought has run it's course. What to ramble about now?

I could likely gush on and on about how stoked I am about Trevor and Matt visiting me in 17 short days...however I think you'd likely get tired of me going on about that. It'd probably get insanely sappy, so much so that you'd have to blow your nose on a pancake. So I will leave that one alone.

I could also moan some more about work, and how the Lord of the Office has been reigning his disapproval down upon me in not-so-subtle ways. It's highly irritating, to have the office twat on my case, albeit in his own 'trying to be subtle' way. Too bad his subtly is blatantly obvious to me. Hello. I am a woman. I am the Queen of Passive Aggressive Disapproval. I can see it from a mile away! (I feel I should interject, and point out that the iPod has just cranked out 'Breathe' by Moist. Love the tune, but you cannot say that it's upbeat at all) I've been biting my tongue around the guy though, because I hate to stir up trouble, and if I were to say anything back - namely, if I were to defend myself - it would only end in an uncomfortable row in front of everyone else. Suffice it to say, his snotty comments are not going unnoticed, but I'm trying my best to shrug them off.

I've also got the support staff breathing down my neck. Now that it's getting close to crunch time for the year 11s, everyone seems to be in a tizzy. They're chasing kids down like crazy, trying to up their grades before it's too late. Frankly, if the kid hasn't looked after their own business, I don't see why we should be busting our butts for them. I'm just going to keep doing my thing. When the support staff comes to me for help, I'll give them what I'm doing in lessons, but I can't be expected to work twice as hard getting these kids extra work to improve upon, if they don't come seek it from me themselves. It'd be a whole other story if the kids asked me, face to face, what they could do to improve. But the kids these people are chasing after are the ones who don't give a fuck, regardless. They're waste-cases. I'm not even ashamed to admit it.

('Broken Strings' by James Morrison. Great tune. Very depressing.)

The one kid, Jonny, was just recently switched into my bottom set year 11 group. He comes into class and is a total pain in my ass, on a daily basis. He won't do any work. Instead he'll just sit there and mock everyone else in the class (and he's a fat fucker, so you know his bullying stems from his own insecurity and his desire to keep the limelight off himself). No amount of nagging or pressure from me will make this kid do work. If they want to try to kiss his ass and make him get something done, they can go ahead and do it. I don't give two shits. If he's going to come into my class and waste my time, then I'm not going to put in any effort for him. Fuck that shit. I do my best when he's timetabled to me. He chooses to waste that time, and I can't be bothered to care when he's trying to make up for it later. Second chances are for suckers. The real world doesn't work that way. When he starts working, he's not going to have some lady running around tidying up his loose ends. He won't get to do things over again. I can't wait until the world slaps him on the face. Maybe then he'll see.

A lot of these kids are going to get a pretty hard dose of reality, come September.

Shame I won't be around to see it.